


Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?

by laughter_now



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, Casual Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-10 00:22:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,054
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/460178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughter_now/pseuds/laughter_now
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, the biggest act of love is to let somebody go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything associated with the Star Trek franchise. No copyright infringement is intended. Neither do I own any of the lyrics that are spread throughout the story. For a full list of the songs see end notes. Title taken from the Meat Loaf song "Did I say that?"  
> This was written as a Secret Santa Story for the Secret Santa gift exchange. Original prompt can be found in the end notes.  
> First posted on January 5th, 2010.

 

****

 

 **Do I love you so much that I'm willing to let you go?**  
  
If asked, Jim would say that he was fairly content. He was the Captain of Starfleet's flagship, and over the past two years there hadn't been a single day during which he regretted being out here in space, with this crew, on this mission. He had the best crew in all of Starfleet – and yes, he might be biased on the matter, but that didn't change a thing about the fact that he was right about this. Most of them were still young, but these past two years had made each and every single one of them grow to the best of their abilities and beyond.  
  
And more importantly, they had grown together. It had taken a little while until the word _crew_ had become an apt description of the way they functioned, but by now they were just that. One crew. A single unit in which everyone knew they could rely on everyone else. It was a lot more than other Starfleet Captains had, and Jim did not underestimate what he had in his crew. So probably, _fairly content_ didn't even begin to describe how Jim was feeling.  
  
And Jim had even more. He had Bones.  
  
It was hard not to let himself drown into that kind of thoughts too much, though, that wouldn't do. Bones was his _friend_ , first and foremost. The first real friend Jim had ever had, and the best friend he was ever going to have. The one person Jim trusted above everyone else, the one person he knew he'd always be able to fall back on. That was much more than Jim had ever thought he'd have.  
  
That there was another aspect to their friendship didn't matter. It _shouldn't_ matter. It was still new, but it hadn't managed to upset their dynamic, and that was the most important thing. Despite everything else, nothing could change the fact that Bones was, and would always be, Jim's friend first, and that was something he was going to hold above everything else. It was the one thing Jim was never going to risk.  
  
Even if it was hard to keep that in mind in moments like these, when Bones was moving above and inside of him, so close to him that it would be easy to forget where Bones ended and he began.  
  
It was just sex.  
  
Jim knew that, and he knew that Bones knew it. A way to relieve stress, maybe, although that would belittle what it really was. Because it wasn't just random fucking. There _were_ feelings involved, even if he and Bones weren't the protagonists of their own epic love story. There was attraction – one would have to be blind and stupid not to see that Bones was a damn fine looking man – and there was their friendship, and that alone was a whole bunch of different emotions, commitments and dependencies mixed together. So it wasn't mindless sex, the kind that would happen between two complete strangers. It was something more, but nothing Jim was able to put a label or definition to.  
  
Jim didn't know how exactly it had started, other than that there had been a healthy dose of bourbon involved that had broken down a couple of barriers that very first time. And it didn't matter how it had happened, just _that_ it had. With no strings attached, no demands or commitments, and most certainly no schedule or timetable. But sometimes it just happened that both Jim and Bones needed this, and neither of them stopped it from happening.  
  
Jim most certainly didn't let an opportunity pass to have the other man this close to him. Bones was moving atop of him, and Jim was pulling him inside and impossibly closer with every thrust into his body. And even though Bones was as close to him as humanly possible, Jim needed more. With the next thrust, he latched onto Bones' shoulder, biting, nibbling and sucking on the skin over Bones' collarbone, tracing its outline with lips and teeth. Bones' skin tasted salty under Jim's tongue, and as Bones wrapped a hand around him and stroked in time with his thrusts, Jim's moaned around the other man's flesh.  
  
It didn't take long after that – a few more strokes of the hand wrapped around him, a couple of thrusts that were aimed just _right_ , and Jim was tumbling over the edge, hands clenching into the firm muscles of Bones' back as he thrust his hips down hard. A guttural moan tore free from somewhere deeper than Jim's chest, and all he could do was hold on, riding out his climax to the feeling of Bones following him over the edge.  
  
It was pure bliss, the peak of physical satisfaction, the moment that seemed to drive all the tension out of his muscles and rendered him unable to do more but lie there and enjoy that incredible feeling of completion and contentment.  
  
It were these moments that were the worst.  
  
It shouldn't be that way. That sated afterglow was when Jim wanted to curl up around Bones, when he wanted to kiss the other man and press against him as their sweat-heated bodies cooled down and their pulse slowed down together.  
  
The problem was that he _shouldn't_ want all that.  
  
This was a physical thing. Just a sexual layer they had added to their friendship. They didn't do the whole post-coital cuddling thing. Hell, they didn't even kiss. There was biting and nipping and licking in the throes of passion, but there was no kissing between them. That was how it was supposed to be with two friends who occasionally ended up in bed together. That was what casual sex was all about. Especially causal sex between two people who were friends. Jim wasn't supposed to get emotionally involved. He wasn't supposed to get _invested_ in this.  
  
Most of all, he wasn't supposed to fall in love.  
  
Yeah, great way to royally screw up this friendship.  
  
Friends who occasionally let off some steam between the sheets, _that_ Jim could deal with. Hell, he knew for a fact that they weren't the only ones aboard the ship who had fallen into this pattern. Starships weren't made for romance, it was a simple fact. It was hard to find and maintain a real relationship for most ordinary crewmembers, and it all got exponentially worse if you happened to be the Captain. There was no time for it, it was frowned upon, and most of all it made everything just fucking difficult.  
  
But here he was. James T. Kirk, about to emotionally compromise himself beyond redemption. Every time they were together like this, every time he got the chance to run his hands over the smooth expanse of skin and muscle, every time Bones was inside of him in a way that was meant to be about relief and urges but ended up being so much more to him, Jim felt himself falling a little more.  
  
He wanted more.  
  
And yet he knew for a fact that he could never have it, couldn't even dare to ask for it because it would only screw up the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life. But still, he could not stop it.  
  
Even now, as Bones sank down onto him, his body limp, sated and a warm comfortable weight atop of him, Jim had to fight the urge to run his hands through the other man's hair and pull him down into a lazy, satisfied kiss.  
  
He couldn't do that. That would be about feelings that went beyond friendship, and those had no place here.  
  
Bones breathed heavily against the skin of Jim's chest for a few moments, every breath tickling tantalizingly against him, and when Bones shifted and withdrew, it was too soon. Jim clenched his hands into the sheets so that he wouldn't reach out and pull Bones down onto him again. They were both still breathing hard, both still riding on the afterglow, but Bones' withdrawal was the irrevocable sign that it was over now.  
  
They never stayed in bed after sex. When it happened during the day shifts, they both returned to their duties afterward, and when it happened in the evening, they still slept in their separate quarters. Whenever one of them stayed over, it was one friend bunking on the other one's couch after a drink or two too many, and not like this. They never slept in the same bed.  
  
Jim was mentally going through the motions, preparing himself to draw up the energy – and the motivation – to get up from the bed, clean himself up and get dressed again, when the comm chimed.  
  
"Damn it," Bones muttered into the pillow beside Jim's ear, his harsh tone a clear sign that he didn't particularly care for the interruption. With a grunt, he got up from the bed, wrapping the sheet around himself as he went. Jim hoped it was an attempt to ward off the chill against his sweat-slick skin, because he had seen Bones naked just minutes ago, and after what they had just done, modesty of any kind felt horribly misplaced.  
  
He sat up to admire the sight of Bones' retreating back, the shift of muscles in his broad shoulders as he raised a hand and tiredly ran it through his hair. There was still a sheen of sweat covering Bones' shoulders, and the thought about touching him there, licking his skin and tasting the salty tang of sweat on his tongue made Jim want to lurch out of the bed and drag Bones back in, and damn whoever was trying to reach him over the comm.  
  
"What is it?" Bones grumbled after he had hit the button to activate the console.  
  
Knowing that it could be an emergency, that Bones could be needed in Sickbay and their romp between the sheets was over, Jim wiped the mess off his stomach and shrugged into his shirt.  
  
"A pre-recorded transmission from Earth," the communications officer on bridge duty informed Bones. "Jocelyn McCoy calling for you."  
  
That settled it then. Nothing made for a better mood killer than a call from the ex-wife. Just great.  
  
Jim knew that Bones talked to Jocelyn regularly. In the beginning it had been a necessary evil, because talking to Jocelyn was the key to staying in contact with Joanna. But over the past two years, Jim had watched – however grudgingly – how that antagonistic enforced contact had turned into something neutral. It wasn't what Jim would call a friendship, far from it, even though he admittedly knew very little about what those two actually talked about in their conversations. Jim would say that their mutual love for Joanna had forced them to meet on neutral middle ground, and once there they had realized it worked out somehow.  
  
Still, Jim couldn't help but feel a sharp stab of something he couldn't quite define whenever Jocelyn's name was mentioned. He was actually glad that he normally wasn't around for their regular conversations. But as far as Jim knew, this wasn't one of those pre-arranged conversations. Bones wouldn't have slept with him if he had expected a call from the ex at any moment.  
  
Jim couldn't help but throw a worried glance towards Bones as he got up from the bed and pulled up his pants.  
  
"Could it be about Joanna?"  
  
Bones sat down in his desk chair with the sheet wrapped tightly around his middle. Upon Jim's question, he only shook his head.  
  
"If something was wrong she'd call directly, and not send a recorded message."  
  
That sounded reasonable enough, Jim had to admit that. He shrugged into his boots and got ready to leave, though he couldn't help but feel cheated out of those few minutes of post-coital exhaustion he and Bones normally shared after sex. It most certainly wasn't cuddling, but whatever else one might call it, those were a few moments of prolonged intimacy between them, and today that had been taken away by Jocelyn's call.  
  
Just great.  
  
With a last longing glance at the rumpled sheets Jim walked over towards the door. Bones' eyes followed his progress across the room, and just the sight of the other man's tousled hair and the red and bruised bite-marks all over his left clavicle made Jim want to reconsider his intentions about leaving. After all, Jocelyn's message was recorded anyway, right? It wouldn't matter if it waited another half hour. Or another hour.  
  
"I'll see you later at the staff meeting then."  
  
As far as dismissals went, that one didn't leave much room for interpretation. Not any, really. So Jim merely nodded and ran his hands thought his hair once, to make sure that he didn't have that tousled _just shagged_ look just in case someone happened to see him coming out of his CMO's quarters. And then he left, so that Bones could take Jocelyn's message.  
  
He couldn't help but notice that Bones waited until the door swished shut behind him before he even turned back towards the vidscreen. And somehow, Jim had the feeling this had less to do with trying to prolong listening to Jocelyn's message, and more with making absolutely sure that Jim was gone before he started playing it.  
  
Jim didn't know what to make of that. He knew that their friendship was close, but he wasn't deluded enough to think that there were no secrets between them. Yet he couldn't help the uneasy feeling that always settled in his gut when Jocelyn made an appearance. Despite all the bad feelings between her and Bones, in spite of all the bridges that were burnt during their separation and subsequent divorce, Jocelyn was always going to hold a piece of Bones' past that Jim could never even dream to compete with.  
  
He shook his head and started walking down the corridor. He was going to ask Bones what the call had been about later tonight. If it wasn't important enough to warrant a conversation in real time but could be dealt with in a recorded message, it couldn't be anything serious. There was going to be a simple explanation, and then it was going to be back to normal.  
  
Speaking of which, Jim was supposed to be on the bridge in a little more than an hour. He should probably take a shower and change his clothes before then.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo** __

_I can't fight this feeling any longer,  
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow.  
What started out as friendship has grown stronger.  
I only wish I had the strength to let it show._

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

****Bones wasn't at the staff meeting Jim had set up for the end of Beta shift. It wasn't something to worry about, really. The meeting was informative rather than obligatory, and since the details didn't concern Medical specifically, it didn't matter that no member of the medical crew was present.  
  
In theory.  
  
But while Jim knew all that, Bones' absence kept him distracted throughout most of the meeting, and he was glad when it was time for everyone else to report and he could lean back and listen. Or, pretend to listen, really. Jim took being a Captain serious and certainly wasn't going to neglect his duties just because he was distracted, but fact of the matter was that as of right now, nothing much was happening that required his undivided attention.  
  
Enterprise was seven days away from Earth, on a straight course at maximum warp. They were only two years into the five year mission, so they weren't returning home. But two weeks ago they had received orders to pick up a group of diplomats on Argelius II and transport them to Earth, a task that had come as a relief in between all the peace-treaties and endless negotiations at the rim of the Neutral Zone they had overseen for the last couple of months.  
  
Besides, it brought them home to Earth, and while they didn't return to stay, there was plenty of time to squeeze in a little shore leave while they were already there. Scotty had announced that he wanted to perform an engine upgrade at Jupiter Space Dock. Strictly speaking that upgrade wasn't necessary, but it gave the Engineer something to play with, and it gave them exactly the two weeks of downtime Jim had been angling for.  
  
Traveling at warp this close to home meant that nothing much was happening during bridge shifts. It was an opportunity to give the less-experienced crewmembers some time on the bridge while Jim and Spock prepared everything for their arrival back home. This meeting was a last official recap, a chance for additional requests for upgrades and improvements that could be done in space dock to be handed in. Apparently, there were plenty, but Jim trusted Spock to take notice of each and every one and to relay the official requests to him later.  
  
The meeting dragged on, but no matter how often Jim cast his eyes towards the door of the conference room, Bones didn't show up. It wasn't something to be worried about. Not really. Only, Jim couldn't help but feel a little worried – not because Bones was missing the meeting, but because Jim was worried that he might be missing it because of something Jocelyn had told him in that message.  
  
He was going to have to go down to Medical and ask him about it right after the meeting was over, then this whole thing was going to be cleared up in no time, Jim was sure of it.  
  
But right after the staff meeting the Argelian diplomats requested to have dinner with Jim, then Scotty wanted to go over some technical details of the engine upgrades, and before Jim knew it the day had passed without him seeing or hearing anything from his best friend. When he made a pass by Medical on his way to his quarters, Bones was off shift and Nurse Chapel told him that he had said something about going to bed two hours ago. Jim still wanted to talk to him, but he knew from years of experience that a tired Bones was a grumpy Bones, and if he was going to wake him up he needed to have a much better reason than mere curiosity over a simple video call. An arterial bleeding, or a phaser shot to the chest might be reasons to wake Bones up from his well-deserved sleep, but mere curiosity wasn't going to cut it.  
  
So Jim did the only thing he could do – he went to bed, and vowed to talk to Bones in the morning.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo** _  
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever.  
I said there is no reason for my fear.  
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together.  
You give my life direction,  
You make everything so clear._  
 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

Alpha shift started at 8:00 am sharp, which meant Jim had to be on the bridge at 7:45 for the handover and the report from gamma shift. He didn't see Bones in mess hall where they normally ran into each other when they both were on alpha shift, Jim for a quick cup of coffee and whatever pastries were in reach, and Bones to grumble and gripe about Jim's breakfast choices over his own plate of healthy food. Not so this morning.  
  
Again, it was nothing unusual, and definitely nothing to worry about. But it was weird. Once was coincidence, twice definitely counted as weird already. It was definitely enough to keep Jim's mind occupied during one of the most boring shifts he had ever sat through on the bridge of the Enterprise. The only reason why he didn't give over the conn to Sulu and head down straight to Medical was that he knew he'd have been informed if anything serious had happened, and Bones didn't appreciate it if someone made a big fuss about his personal business.  
  
Still, Jim couldn't help but mull over it.  
  
However, it wasn't until the end of beta shift that day that Jim found the time, and something resembling a valid reason to seek Bones out in Medical. Not that he needed a real reason to show up and annoy Bones a little, but he'd very much like to keep his male dignity intact and not appear like a love-struck puppy as he tried to weasel the contents of Jocelyn's call out of his friend.  
  
According to the duty-roster Bones was off duty but on-call for beta and gamma shift, and Jim knew that the other man liked to use that time to catch up on the accumulated paperwork in his office. The office door was closed when Jim crossed through Sickbay, but a closed office door had never stopped Jim before. Giving a short knock on the glass panel, Jim opened the door and stepped into the room, clutching the PADD he had brought along tightly, ready to present the official reason for his visit to Bones as soon as it was asked of him.  
  
Bones was sitting behind his desk, a couple of PADDs strewn over the surface in front of him. His attention, however, was focused on the vidscreen of his desk-console. It took a few seconds before he looked up and turned his attention towards Jim.  
  
"Jim? What is it?"  
  
Jim brandished the PADD in front of him as if that would explain everything. Inwardly, he was slapping himself. Over-eager much? He was the Captain, damn it, he didn't need to justify himself like that. Who was he? An infant instead of a Captain, one who was trying to cover up that he had an ulterior motive for a perfectly legit visit to his CMO? And he really, _really_ needed for his inner voice to stop sounding like Bones.  
  
"Spock needs to transfer our supply requests to Starfleet, and the requests from Medical are still missing."  
  
"Damn it," Bones hissed and started sorting through the mess of PADDs on his desk distractedly. "I got the list here, I forgot to forward it to Spock. Where the hell…there it is." He pulled out one PADD from underneath a couple of others that wend sliding all over the desk. Handing it to Jim, he leaned back in his chair and tiredly ran a hand over his face. "We're low on sedatives, mostly, and if Starfleet stocks us up we don't have to synthesize them ourselves. Else it's mostly some basic medications and vaccines, and a list of things that will make life in the research lab more easy. Nothing too outlandish."  
  
Jim nodded, taking the PADD from Bones' hand. Looking at his friend, he couldn't help but be slightly concerned. Bones looked like he hadn't gotten a lot of sleep last night, if the dark rings under and tired expression in his eyes were any indication.  
  
"Busy shift?"  
  
Bones shook his head. "Not really. Just a damn lot of paperwork to catch up on, just in case the higher ups decide to take our unscheduled visit as an incentive to go over everything with a damn bureaucratic fine-toothed comb."  
  
As if Bones was running an inefficient Sickbay, or ever got seriously backlogged on the paperwork. But he had always been like that, thinking that the world was out to get him, and if making sure that everything in his realm of responsibility was so perfect it would withstand any inspection helped him feel better, who was Jim to judge that?  
  
"You weren't at the staff meeting yesterday."  
  
It wasn't an accusation, just an observation, and Jim thought that he had made it sound like that, as well. Still, Bones' head snapped up as if he had been caught right in the middle of something he'd much rather keep to himself. And even though he caught himself quickly, it had been there, and Jim had seen it.  
  
"I…yeah, I missed that thanks to all the damn paperwork. But other than the supply request there was nothing from Medical that would have required me to be there. Did I miss anything?"  
  
Jim shook his head, trying to gloss over the fact that he had barely listened during the meeting, either.  
  
"No, not really. It was just unusual, that's all." He cocked his head to the side and looked at his friend from slightly narrowed eyes. "Are you all right?"  
  
Bones recoiled slightly, but quickly waved Jim off. "Just didn't get much sleep last night."  
  
"What did Jocelyn say?"  
  
"Huh?" Bones seemed genuinely confused. "Jocelyn? Why her?"  
  
"That message yesterday. I just thought maybe she had called about Joanna."  
  
Bones shook his head – a little too quickly for Jim's liking – and his eyes flicked over towards the vidscreen for a second before he looked back at Jim.  
  
"Nah, Jo is all right. Jocelyn just wanted to clear up some details for my visit."  
  
Bones wasn't a great actor or liar, but that sentence came out so easily and with so much assurance in his voice that somebody who didn't know him as well as Jim did would have bought it without a second thought. But Jim knew Bones better than that, and he knew that this whole line was nothing but a big load of bull Bones was trying to sell him.  
  
He was still unsure whether to call Bones out on that or not when there was a short knock on the door and Christine Chapel stuck her head into the room.  
  
"Sorry to interrupt Doctor, but you're needed out there. Ensign Wilkes is complaining about abdominal pain."  
  
And while that in itself did not constitute a medical emergency requiring the presence of the ship's CMO, Ensign Wilkes was seven months pregnant in what Bones had classified as a risky pregnancy right from the start. Hearing Chapel's words, Bones was out of his chair in a moment, already heading towards the door when he turned back towards Jim as an afterthought.  
  
"There was something I wanted to talk to you about, if you have a moment."  
  
Jim nodded. "I'll stick around, I got time."  
  
Bones acknowledged that with another short nod of his head, then the office door closed behind him and Chapel as he left to examine the pregnant Ensign. Jim sank back in his chair, letting his eyes roam over the chaos of PADDs and notes on Bones' desk. It was unusual. Bones was normally so tidy it bordered on anal, and while the clutter of things on the desk didn't qualify as a true mess, on any normal occasion it would have driven his friend up the wall.  
  
Bones was only ever this disorganized when something else was having him far more occupied, and the only thing Jim could think of that was having Bones this worked up was Jocelyn's message. And that would mean Bones had lied to him; a thought that didn't sit well with Jim. At all.  
  
He knew Bones was very strict about his privacy. And while they were best friends, there were limits to what Jim could allow himself. Breaching Bones' privacy without his friend's consent was a definite no-go. Even if he was alone in Bones' office right now. It was a question of trust, after all. But he was not only Bones' friend, right? He was also Leonard McCoy's commanding officer, and as such he had a right to know if something was going on that might influence said CMO's professional capacity. Right? Right.  
  
Bones had been glancing at the vidscreen earlier, just for a second, but if Jim swiveled his chair a little and leaned over, he could just glance at the screen to see…  
  
…Bones' private video messages.  
  
Jim really, _really_ didn't advocate snooping around and breaking his best friend's trust. He knew that if Bones ever found out, there would be hell to pay, and it was probably going to put a massive dent into their friendship (not to mention a very rapid ending to whatever activities that went beyond friendship were going on between them right now). But something about Jocelyn's message had Bones worked up, that much Jim was sure of. And now it just happened that he was left alone in Bones' office with that video message right there on top of the list of Bones' private messages on the screen. It wasn't just a temptation, it was a downright invitation.  
  
Jim felt bad just thinking about it, but it was as if his body was moving on its own accord as he got up from his chair and settled in Bones' desk chair so that he was facing the vidscreen. He was worried, like he always worried about Jocelyn and the power and influence she still held over his best friend. If something was up, something that cost Bones his nightly sleep, then Jim had a right to know so that he could fix it.  
  
It was a weak excuse, one Jim knew was never going to hold up any kind of scrutiny. But it was all the excuse he had for why his hand was moving seemingly on its own accord and entered the commands to pull up Jocelyn's message on the video screen.  
  
The screen came to life, and with a last look at the semi-transparent office door Jim pushed away his feelings of guilt and settled back in the chair to watch Jocelyn McCoy's face appear on the vidscreen.  
  
The first thing that hit him, and like a blow to the gut at that, was that Jocelyn wasn't just a good-looking woman. She was _beautiful_. Of course, Jim knew what she looked like. Over the years he had seen enough pictures from Bones past to know exactly what his friend's ex-wife looked like. Maybe it was the fact that Jim had seen the fallout of their failed marriage, he had seen what the divorce and the separation from Joanna had done to his friend. And with that in mind, it had been easy to demonize Jocelyn, even in the knowledge that she wasn't the only one to blame for what had happened between her and Bones.  
  
For the past two years, Jim had only ever seen Jocelyn McCoy as the ex-wife who held the power to deny Bones the most precious thing in his entire life if only she so pleased. He had never spoken to her, or seen her on anything but old photographs. Seeing her on that vidscreen now, realizing that she was an absolutely stunning woman, only served to make that small worried feeling in Jim's gut settle more firmly and fester.  
  
Jocelyn was sitting in what Jim assumed was the living room in the house in Atlanta she and Joanna lived in. She had her long blond hair tied back in a ponytail, but strands of hair were escaping it and falling into her eyes, framing her face in a way that only helped to enhance its shape. Grey-blue eyes were turned towards the camera, and as the recording started she smiled nervously.  
  
"Hello Leonard."  
  
It felt weird to hear anybody call Bones by his first name. Nurse Chapel was the only one who did, occasionally and only when she and Bones were not on duty. But Jocelyn made it sound like an old endearment, something with a long history behind it, and Jim felt an irrational stab of jealousy at the thought that someone else had a name for Bones that only they used in that one special way.  
  
Jocelyn pushed a strand of hair out of her face and continued with a smile.  
  
"I'm sure you're surprised by this message. And I know what you're thinking, but don't worry. Joanna is perfectly fine. She's over at Marie's house right now, and from what I gathered there's a visit to the stables involved, so she'll probably be gone until dinner. The reason I'm sending this message is that I want to talk about something with you, and I didn't want to overwhelm you with it when you come by during your shore leave. Besides, I know that your visit is going to be all about Joanna and I don't want to cut down on that time with lengthy explanations. But maybe we can take one evening to talk this through once you get here."  
  
Jocelyn's voice held that same southern lilt that Bones' had. It wasn't too prominent, but it was there and held the promise to emerge stronger in other situations. With Bones, that happened when he got angry, when he was really drunk or when he was torn out of his sleep – moments when the connection between his brain and mouth wasn't as filtered as it normally was. With Jocelyn, it made her voice lilt up and down pleasantly, an uninterrupted stream of words and sounds that was pleasant to listen to. It was yet another thing Jim couldn't quite connect to the image of Bones' ex-wife he had created in his mind and held on to quite firmly over the past couple of years.  
  
"This will probably sound strange all of a sudden, but I've been thinking a lot lately. Maybe those old clichés are right, and it's so much easier to think straight about certain things from a distance. And three years as well as a couple of hundred light-years is plenty of distance. It's not like I planned any of this, but I couldn't help but thinking…" Jocelyn shook her head and looked down into her lap for a few moments. When she turned back towards the camera, there was determination in her gaze.  
  
"No more beating about the bush. You never dealt well with that, anyway. As I said, I've been thinking a lot lately. And I couldn't help but wonder if you ever thought that maybe we gave up too quickly. You know, on us. And I know, the way we ended back then wasn't really pretty, and I also know that a lot of that was my fault. Not all of it, but I guess we both know by now what went wrong back then. And I…I don't want to go back to all that chaos, and that mess of emotions we both were. We just weren't ready, we were far too young, then Joanna came along…"  
  
She shook her head once more. "I'm doing it again. Sorry, but I really want this to come across right. Anyway, I think over the past year or so we've been working better than we did in a long time. Better than during large parts of our marriage, probably. We get each other, you can't deny that. And I've realized…well, I've realized that I'm looking forward to talking to you every time you call. I'm looking forward to hearing your voice and to seeing you. Even between those calls, I drop everything when there's something about Enterprise on the newsfeed because I want to hear about you."  
  
That ugly feeling deep in Jim's gut grew and grew, and he found himself shaking his head as if that could somehow stave off what he was afraid Jocelyn was going to say next.  
  
"I know that it would take work, Leonard. A lot of work. But I really think that if we give each other another chance, we could turn this into something good this time. It took me a while to realize, but we were missing something important the first time around. Same reason why my relationship with Clay didn't work out, either. But the two of us, now we have a foundation. We know each other, and we've learned how to get along with one another."  
  
Jocelyn's hand went into her hair, twisting a blond strand between her fingers nervously.  
  
"The feelings are there, too. I wouldn't be recording this message if they weren't because trust me Leonard, this isn't easy for me. And I know you well enough to know that you're not completely indifferent towards me either. I really think that we can make this work if we want to. I've been meaning to say something for a couple of weeks now, but I didn't quite know what to say, especially not with Joanna in the background, waiting for her chance to talk to you. But then I heard that you were coming home ahead of time and it really felt like a nudge in the right direction."  
  
She drew a deep breath, as if to gather courage for a bombshell she was about to drop.  
  
"They're opening a new research facility in Atlanta. Starfleet, I mean. I made a couple of calls, and it seems that their main focus is research in chronic genetic diseases, and they have a large branch of xenobiological research they're going to establish here, too. I know how you feel about space, Leonard, and I know how important your job is to you. Here in Atlanta you could do what you do best and wouldn't have to go into space. It's a great opportunity. And…well, you could see Joanna more often. You could have her back in your life regularly. Completely, if you're willing to give us another try. I know she'd love to have that – and no, I didn't tell her anything about all this yet. I know you'll need some time to think about this, but as I said, we can make time when you're on shore-leave. I really care about you, Leonard. And I can only hope you'll give me another chance. That you'll give _us_ another chance. Joanna and me, we're waiting for you."  
  
She smiled into the camera and gave a small wave. "I guess I'll see you in a week, then. Goodbye, Leonard."  
  
The vidscreen went black, then switched back to the same setting it had been in before Jim had called up the message, but Jim hardly noticed. He was staring ahead unfocusedly, feeling every bit as if he had just been punched in the gut by something the size of a small shuttle.  
  
Jocelyn still had feelings for Bones. Or again. Or what the fuck ever, it didn't even matter. What mattered was that she wanted Bones back. That and the fact that she didn't only have some recently rediscovered feelings to offer. No, she was offering Bones the whole package – a beautiful woman who wanted him, a job that was offering exactly the things Bones excelled in and, first and foremost and most importantly, Joanna.  
  
Damn it, that woman should make a living out of negotiations, because she knew exactly how to make an offer that was impossible to refuse. For crying out loud, even if Bones wasn't all head over heels for getting back together with Jocelyn, that job and Joanna alone would do the trick to make him consider returning to Earth. And who was Jim kidding – Jocelyn was so beautiful it was tempting. And she and Bones had learned to get along over the past year. Their relationship might have been a minefield by the time Bones had boarded that shuttle in Iowa where it had all begun, but by now most of those mines were disarmed and Bones and Jocelyn had learned to maneuver around the few that remained.  
  
Damn it.  
  
Jim should be angry. By all rights he should be furious that Jocelyn not only dared to make a grab for something she had by all rights given up – or kicked out, literally – years ago. She had no fucking right to do that. And even worse, she had no right to use Joanna to lure Bones into agreeing. But instead of feeling righteous anger or indignant fury, Jim only felt as if somebody had reached inside his chest and torn out something vital. Jim knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he had lost Bones to Jocelyn the moment his friend had seen that video message.  
  
Jocelyn had laid her cards on the table, and she was offering Bones anything he could have ever wanted. Love, a career, his daughter, and a life back on Earth. She offered him _everything_. All the things Jim could not give Bones. All Jim had to offer in return was a life in the one place Bones hated because it scared him, the chance to lose every single member of the crew he cared for at any given moment and…well, and himself.  
  
Jim nearly laughed. If ever there had been an inadequate offer to convince someone to stay, this was it. Nobody would be stupid enough to chose him over what Jocelyn had to give. Especially since Jim's feelings were one-sided. He wasn't and would never mean to Bones what Jocelyn had once been, or what she could become again. He was Bones' friend, and while that was one of the most important things in Jim's life, it was light-years away from the love and sense of family that Jim knew Bones craved.  
  
Jim's eyes were drawn to the picture frame on Bones' desk. It was a picture of Joanna, one of the many Bones had put up over the past two years. This one was an older photograph. Joanna was nine now, but she must have been around five when the picture had been taken. She was sitting on a swing in the back garden, laughing into the camera as if she didn't have a single care in the world.  
  
Jim had never seen Joanna in real life, only ever on pictures, but she was one of the most adorable children he had ever seen. In the picture her long hair was still colored that bright blond it had sported in her early childhood, but it was already showing traces of darkening out into the browner shade it held now. Her eyes, clear and blue, were purely Jocelyn, but whenever Jim looked at a picture of her, he could not help but notice traces of Bones in nearly all her features. Joanna wasn't the spitting image of either of her parents, but rather the perfect blend of both of them all molded into her own little person.  
  
A person Bones loved with all his heart. More than he would ever love anybody else.  
  
Looking at Joanna's picture hurt, and Jim had to tear his eyes away. It hurt because that image was the sum of everything Jim didn't stand a chance against. Bones' love for Joanna was something Jim could never compete with.  
  
He had no idea how he managed to get up from Bones' chair and settle once more in one of the visitor's chairs in front of his friend's desk. The rational part of his brain had to be still working underneath that cloud of pain that had settled inside of him, and that part knew that Bones could come back any moment now. Jim didn't want to explain that he had been snooping around in his friend's private messages. He didn't think he'd be able to get out anything beyond a pathetic and pleading _Don't leave me_. And that absolutely wouldn't do.  
  
Minutes passed during which Jim numbly stared at the bare office wall next to the door. By all rights his mind should be reeling. He was intelligent, damn it, and Jim Kirk didn't give up easily. But even someone like him knew when to admit defeat. And no matter how much he wanted, craved or needed Bones here with him and not back on Earth, he had no right. He had no right to deny Bones his happiness, and he had absolutely no right to deny Joanna a life without her father. Jim knew from firsthand experience what that felt like, and nobody should have to go through that if they didn't need to.  
  
Jim was so lost in his morose thoughts that he flinched when the office door opened and Bones returned. Jim didn't know how much time had passed since he had played that message, but it hadn't been enough to deal with the onslaught of emotions that came rushing at him at the sight of his best friend. Bones tiredly ran a hand through his hair as he entered, but when his eyes fell on Jim he seemed actually startled to find him still there.  
  
"I could have just commed you, I didn't mean you had to stick around."  
  
Jim shrugged, astonished that his body still followed his commands. "I got the time. It was easier than you chasing me down later."  
  
His voice was clear and didn't betray what was going on inside of him at all, and for a second Jim wondered what that said about his emotional capacities. But as long as Bones didn't realize what was going on with him, Jim wasn't going to complain about his lack of emotional transparency. His eyes followed Bones as he made his way across the room, settling back in the chair behind his desk. He cast a critical eye at the mess of PADDs on his desktop, then leaned back in his chair with a tired shake of his head.  
  
"How is Ensign Wilkes?"  
  
Bones pinched the bridge of his nose with the fingers of one hand, something he only ever did when he was tired after too many hours on duty, then leaned his elbows onto the desk.  
  
"Seven months pregnant, and driving me up the wall, so I'd say everything is good for now. If we can keep things that way for another two weeks, we should be in the clear, and every day after that is an added bonus. The doctors at Starfleet Medical know what they're doing."  
  
"So do you."  
  
Bones laughed tiredly. "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but if there's one thing Enterprise isn't equipped with, then it's dealing with a complicated pregnancy. Anyway, since you already stuck around, I still don't have the medical files of whoever is going to replace Wilkes and her husband. So the next time you talk to Earth, you might wanna tell them to speed things up a little. It would be good to know if there are any medical issues that need consideration."  
  
It was hard to focus on something so trivial when all Jim could think of was that Bones was leaving and he didn't give a damn about who was going to replace Ensign Wilkes or her husband in the face of that. But he found himself nodding automatically.  
  
"Starfleet still hasn't sent any personnel files, but if they don't send them with the next transmission I'm going to make a call and ask for them."  
  
"Thanks. I'd better finish up this mess of paperwork then."  
  
It was a clear sign that Bones had other things to do unless Jim had something else he needed to discuss. Jim got up from the chair.  
  
"See you later, then."  
  
Bones only nodded, already absorbed in the contents of one of the PADDs in front of him.  
  
Jim left the office, and it took ever ounce of self-restraint not to run out of the room and back to his quarters. From the corner of his eye, he saw Lieutenant Wilkes by his wife's bedside, and he couldn't suppress the small surge of gratitude. If Wilkes' husband was here, then Jim had an excuse not to go over to the pregnant Ensign's bedside and do the Captain-thing. He didn't think he could have stood pleasant small-talk with the happy couple right now.  
  
Jim wanted to run. It was irrational, because he was on a frigging _spaceship_ and had nowhere to run to. He couldn't run away from the fact that Bones was going to leave, no matter that every fiber of his body was screaming for him to get as far away from Sickbay and Bones as he could. But he couldn't. He was still the fucking Captain of this ship, and if the Captain was running it signaled to the crew that something was seriously wrong.  
  
What good was being Captain if it meant that he couldn't run even when it felt as if he was going to choke under the onslaught of feelings if he didn't? It was pretty damn useless, that's what it was.  
  
Jim hurried along the corridors, his eyes focused determinedly ahead, doing his best to project a warning against all attempts to approach him. It was hard enough to keep it together as it was, and not to start screaming as his thoughts kept circling back again and again to the fact that Bones was going to leave and there was nothing Jim could do to stop him.  
  
He reached his quarters with barely a recollection of how he had gotten there. His fingers felt stiff and clumsy as he tried to punch in the correct access code. Finally, he managed to enter the right sequence, and all but stumbled into the room before the door had opened fully. Jim drew breath to tell the computer to turn on the lights, but suddenly the bile was rising in his throat and he barely made it into the bathroom before the first heave tore at his insides.  
  
On any other occasion, something like this would have stopped him short. That just the thought of Bones leaving was causing such a strong physical reaction in him should be food for thought about just how badly he had fallen for the other man.  
  
It should have. But all Jim could think of in between the painful heaves that wracked his body was that Bones was going to leave. Bones was going to leave Enterprise, he was going to leave Jim, and the worst thing was that leaving was going to make Bones happier than Jim ever could.  
  
Jim had nothing to offer that would convince Bones to stay. The only thing he could do was let him go, no matter that the mere thought was tearing him apart.

 

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

_So this is what it feels like_  
 ___To be the one left behind.  
To give it all you've got then find  
You've already changed your mind  
  
And this is what it sounds like  
Crying on the bed that we both made  
Waiting for a sign that you just can't give me  
Any kind of sign._  
 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

**  
**

****It wasn't easy getting out of a Starfleet assignment. Signing up for a five year mission on a Starfleet ship meant exactly that – every single crewmember of the Enterprise had signed up for five years in space, on this very ship. In fact, there were only three official ways to get out of that kind of assignment: official reassignment to another post by Starfleet Command, a reassignment due to injury or psychological conditions that rendered the crewmember unable to further serve on a starship, and personal reasons.  
  
And while _personal reasons_ sounded like it could imply practically anything, Starfleet had very strict limitations on what that implied. In fact, it had to be either of two things – personal conflict with the Commanding Officer, or a family-related reassignment.  
  
Starfleet valued family, and the chance to be stationed closer to them was a valid argument to request a different assignment.  
  
Bones had the ultimate argument to leave Enterprise and get himself stationed at that research facility in Atlanta if he wanted to. Not to mention that whoever was running that facility was going to push hard for Bones' reassignment once they caught wind of his availability. Jim still remembered what a struggle it had been to get Bones assigned to Enterprise in the first place two years back. Not only had a number of other Captains wanted the doctor on their ships after word of what exactly he had achieved during the attack by Nero, there had been an equal number of positions in various research facilities offered to him. Back then, Jim hadn't even worried that Bones was going to contemplate even a single one of those offers as long as Jim was able to push for his assignment aboard the Enterprise.  
  
Right now, all that meant that if Bones wanted to leave the Enterprise, he had any number of job opportunities to fall back on, jobs that were equally attractive as that of CMO aboard the fleet's flagship.  
  
It all came back to one thing – Bones could leave easily if he wanted to. And given what Jocelyn was offering him, he'd be stupid not to want that.  
  
And apparently, word traveled fast.  
  
Merely a day after Jim had watched Jocelyn's video message, Enterprise received a data package from Earth. It was amongst the daily business Jim had to deal with whenever they were this close to home, so at first there wasn't anything unusual about it. Starfleet was sending them official documents as well as the personnel files of the handful of new crewmembers that were going to come aboard. Else there was private communication mostly, letters and video messages for the crew from friends and family back home – and one large package of data for Bones, from the Atlanta Branch of Starfleet Medical.  
  
That settled it then.  
  
A day later, Jim signed off on an unscheduled video call from Bones' quarters. The call lasted ten minutes, and the recipient was one Joanna McCoy. _Sweetheart, Daddy's coming home_.  
  
Jim felt the bile rise in his throat.  
  
He was in a daze. He went through the motions, did his duty, but it felt as if everything which normally was the highpoint of his day had faded into nothing more than white noise around the edges. Being Captain was a chore now that it had become his duty to take the ship to the place where Bones was going to leave.  
  
The crew could feel it, too. There was none of the usual lighthearted feeling on the bridge during shifts. It was as if everyone could feel the tension and distraction radiate from Jim, and reacted accordingly. Normally, Jim would never let that happen, but right now he couldn't even bring himself to care.  
  
Every day they traveled, every light-year they got closer to Earth, was yet another step closer to losing Bones. And the closer they got, the more it became everything Jim could think of.  
  
He was torn.  
  
Part of him wanted to spend every minute with his friend. He wanted to latch onto Bones and never let him go again, he wanted to tell Bones that he loved him – all pretence and dignity be damned – and that he couldn't leave him. Jim wasn't above begging, not anymore. Not if it was going to help make Bones stay.  
  
But another part of him knew that he couldn't do that.  
  
Even if what Jim felt, those feelings that went beyond mere friendship, were mutual – which they _weren't_ , Jim knew that – he had no right to do that to Bones. Despite everything Jocelyn promised, leaving Enterprise was going to be hard enough for the other man. Jim had no right to make it even harder for him.  
  
If Bones thought there was anything on Enterprise worth staying for, he wouldn't contemplate another Starfleet posting. And compared to the promise of having Joanna back in his life, nothing on Enterprise was worth staying for. Not for Bones. So Jim didn't even need to bother trying.  
  
Besides, it was pretty obvious that ever since that video message from Jocelyn and the subsequent arrival of the job offer from Atlanta, Bones was evading him. His visits to the bridge, previously a fixture in Jim's life, had become less frequent and reliable, and outside of duty he didn't seek him out at all. It wasn't even the lack of sexual encounters that worried Jim. Those had never followed a schedule before in those few months since they had started. But Bones was withdrawing from Jim on all the levels that counted, in everything that had defined their friendship over the past years. And if Jim had still needed any confirmation that Bones was preparing to leave, this was it.  
  
The rest of the crew seemed to get more excited with every day they got closer to Earth, but Jim's mood only got darker and darker. He avoided going down to Medical, and even when Bones came to the bridge to deliver the daily reports, something that had become a tradition Jim had actually grown quite fond of over the past years, now he barely glanced at Jim when he handed over the PADD.  
  
They didn't touch anymore, either. Until now, Jim hadn't even been aware of how much physical contact they actually had, how many casual brushes, touches or claps to the shoulder were a part of their daily lives. Jim missed it. He missed the easy proximity, the way he could be himself when he was around the other man. But he was going to have to live without that soon enough, and he'd better get used to it.  
  
He would have to learn how to live without Bones' sheer physical presence in his life, something no subspace transmission was ever going to be able to replace even if they stayed in contact.  
  
Jim didn't even want to think about the sex. Or about the fact that it was so much more than just an act of physical satisfaction for him. Those moments of stolen intimacy were tearing him apart as it was, because they were a glimpse of something he could never fully have, no matter how much he craved for it. Doing without it…Jim didn't want to think about it.  
  
The days started to blend into each other, a numb mixture of duty shifts, paperwork, and hours off duty during which he locked himself into his quarters, the one place where he didn't have to hold it together all the time. There was hardly any difference between day and night, since undisturbed sleep was out of the question. When he wasn't tossing and turning in search of elusive sleep, he found himself waking up from nightmares of Bones and Jocelyn happy and in love and together, with Joanna at their side. Either that, or his dreams left him waking up aroused and panting, with the phantom of Bones' scent lingering in the air and the feeling of his hands on his skin. Probably, those dreams were even worse than the ones about how happy Bones was going to be without him.  
  
It was torture either way, and it didn't allow Jim more than two or three hours of straight sleep at night. His crew noticed. There was no way they couldn't notice how different Jim was acting now that they were approaching Earth. If anything, the dark circles under his eyes were a clear indication that something was wrong. And judged by the surreptitious glances his bridge crew was shooting in his direction whenever it happened once more that Jim took too long to notice that someone was talking to him, they all noticed. Spock in particular seemed as if he was just waiting for an opportune moment to give Jim a stern talking to about slacking off on the job. Or the Vulcan equivalent of that talk, anyway.  
  
And the worst was that Jim didn't care. Of course he still cared about the wellbeing of his crew, but in the face of losing Bones, he couldn't draw any more enjoyment out of the fact that everything was running smoothly and his crew was safe and in good spirits. He couldn't even feel grateful that his crew cared enough to get worried about him.  
  
Jim, on the other hand, felt like he was drowning, and everyone else was just standing by and watched as he was pulled under.  
  
Just two more days until Bones was going to leave, and Jim no longer knew if he was doing the right thing. Being in Bones' presence, just seeing him was enough to tear him apart from the inside, yet at the same time there was that constant temptation to simply drag the other man to his quarters and spend the little time that remained in bed in an attempt to create a few more memories for Jim to hang on to once Bones was gone.  
  
He would only torture himself more if he did that.  
  
Jim didn't want a goodbye fuck, no matter how much he craved to feel Bones' hands on him again. He wanted the other man completely, but instead Bones was going to leave him in less than forty-eight hours.  
  
In light of that, nothing about being Captain of Starfleet's flagship seemed important or interesting anymore. Jim wondered what that said about his priorities, but he couldn't bring himself to care.  
  
He sat through yet another impossibly long alpha shift on the bridge. They were still on a straight course towards Earth, and this close to home nothing, absolutely _nothing_ was happening. Of course not. Jim hadn't expected any different. But it meant alpha shift consisted of eight hours of sitting in his chair, staring straight ahead as the stars flashed by the view screen. Being Captain sucked sometimes. It seemed that everyone aboard the bridge had an assigned task, a console to work on or readings to analyze. Jim only had his chair, and his morose thoughts to keep him company.  
  
The eight hour shift dragged on forever, but finally the time for shift change rolled around. Jim handed command over to Spock and immediately turned towards the turbolift. He only wanted to get to the treacherous safety of his quarters, away from curious eyes. He needed to find a way to deal with what was going to happen, and he most certainly wasn't going to find that on the bridge, where he had to keep up the façade of the capable Captain before all else.  
  
"Mr. Sulu, you have the conn."  
  
"Aye Commander."  
  
Jim's brain hadn't even registered the conversation when a hand stopped the turbolift doors from closing, and Spock stepped into the small space with him. Jim stared straight ahead as the lift started to move, but he knew that Spock hadn't joined him because he enjoyed the ride. And indeed, Spock immediately turned towards Jim.  
  
"A word, Captain?"  
  
Seeing that there was no way to avoid this, Jim merely sighed and gestured for Spock to continue.  
  
"Go on."  
  
"I have noticed that you're showing progressive signs of anxiety and stress. Since those show no sign of getting better but instead seem to get worse the closer we get to Earth, I was wondering if there is anything you feel you need to be concerned about upon our return."  
  
It was as much an admission of worry as Jim was ever going to get out of his First Officer. And in any other situation it would have been touching. But right now, Jim only wanted to get out. The lift was too small and stuffy, even though Jim knew that the air filtering system worked in here just as it did in any other place on the ship. But to Jim it felt oppressive, and he needed to get out before he was going to freak out. Already, the collar of his uniform shirt felt too tight, and he could feel the sweat pop up on his forehead.  
  
The lift arrived at Jim's destination, but Spock stopped the doors from opening with a quick movement of his hand against the wall panel. Jim drew breath to protest, but Spock cut him off.  
  
"Your behavior of the past weeks does not correspond with anything you have shown over the past two years, which leads me to the conclusion that something extraordinary is the cause of it. If it has anything to do with the ship's business…"  
  
"If there was anything concerning the ship that needs your attention, I'd let you know, _Commander_. But there is nothing going on other than that I'm off duty and you're keeping me from going to my quarters. Was there anything else?"  
  
Jim knew that his tone was unusually sharp, but right now he was too exhausted and worked up to care. He really had different problems than worrying whether or not the tone of his voice was too harsh for his First Officer's sensibilities.  
  
Spock regarded him for a few moments, then he shook his head.  
  
"Nothing, Captain."  
  
"Good. Then I'm going to get something to eat now. Commander."  
  
"Captain." Spock inclined his head and pressed the panel again so that the doors opened with a pneumatic hiss. Jim forced himself not to flee from the lift, but no matter how hard he tried he could not keep the sense of haste out of his steps as he went down the corridor towards his quarters.  
  
He needed to get away, from Spock, from the bridge, from everybody else. He needed to able alone with all those conflicting thoughts inside his head. And if that meeting with Spock had told him anything, then that he needed to find a way to get a grip on himself. That Bones was leaving might be tearing him apart, but he had to find a way not to let that shine through.  
  
Jim breathed a sigh of relief when he reached his quarters without further interruption by anybody else, but there was nowhere he could run from his thoughts. Or from the fact that it was only a matter of time until his heart was going to be torn right out of his chest.  
  
Jim threw himself flat on his back on the bed and pressed his hands over his face.  
  
Rationally, he knew that he should learn how to deal with this. He was going to have to get used to a life without Bones in it. And damn it, he had lived like that for over twenty years, it shouldn't be that hard.  
  
But now that he had a taste of what this felt like, this unconditional friendship and loyalty, the reassurance that he always had someone to fall back on and – even more important – the knowledge that he wasn't only taking this but giving it back in return, Jim didn't want to let it go ever again.  
  
He should have known. For all his life, letting people get close to him, letting them in and learning how to depend on them, only ended up in pain and abandonment. And now he hadn't only fallen for Bones' friendship, but also for the prospect of something more, something he knew he could never have, but something he couldn't stop thinking about now that it had seemed within reach.  
  
He shouldn't have fallen for Bones, it was as easy as that.  
  
He shouldn't have mistaken passion and sex for intimacy and love.  
  
He shouldn't have allowed himself to fall in love.  
  
But now it had happened, and because it was a universal rule that nothing good could ever work out in the life of James Tiberius Kirk, it was all torn away from him again. Not only the man he had fallen in love with and secretly pined over, but also the best friend he had ever had. And Jim couldn't help but wonder if all this was the punishment for some sort of universal test he had failed. Maybe if he hadn't given in to those feelings he should have never allowed himself to feel, if he had been content with what he had instead of wanting that which he couldn't have, maybe then Bones would have stayed.  
  
No way to find out now though.  
  
Jim wanted to curl up on the bed and cry, but it wasn't as if that was going to help any. Breaking down into a pathetic mess wasn't going to change anything.  
  
Jim had never been passive in any way. He was the kind of guy to take action rather than to sit by and watch things happen. Only, in this case there was absolutely nothing he could do. This was his real Kobayashi Maru, and the ultimate proof that something like a no-win scenario truly existed.  
  
Two more days, and Jim had absolutely no idea how he was going to get through them. Maybe he should just stay here in his quarters until they made space dock. He could call in sick. Or not, because if Jim was sick (or pretended to be, in any case) it fell under Bones' responsibilities. So calling in sick in order to avoid Bones was kinda redundant.  
  
Just great.  
  
He should get up.  
  
He hadn't eaten anything since that toast he hard forced down for breakfast. He should eat something and then get to work. There were plenty of reports to sign and all kinds of other administrative stuff that needed to be dealt with before they docked at Jupiter Station. Maybe he could stay in his quarters under the pretense of doing paperwork for the next two days.  
  
Whatever he was going to do, he should maybe start with getting up, although it didn't seem worth the effort. Not when lying here seemed so much easier, and so much less painful than anything else. He could just keep lying here, claiming that he had fallen asleep until they made it back to Earth. Nobody would believe him, of course, but Spock already thought he had issues, anyway.  
  
The lights seemed too blinding, but Jim felt too tired to even order the computer to shut them down. Instead, he flung his arm over his eyes and remained lying right where he was. He'd figure out what to later, when he didn't feel like every movement was too much of an effort to even bother with it.  
  
He didn't fall asleep, though. Sleep would have been a reprieve, and for some reason the universe thought Jim hadn't earned those. He just lay there, trying to evade all the morose thoughts running through his head.

 **OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo** ____

_I tried to go on like I never knew you  
I'm awake, but my world is half asleep.  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you, all I'm going to be is incomplete._

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

****Jim didn't know how much time passed like this. He didn't care, either. Not really.  
  
He was off duty for beta, and on call for gamma shift while Sulu got some experience holding the conn on his own. Unless something happened, nobody was going to notice a damn thing if he kept lying like this all night long.  
  
He wasn't sleeping, but he was so lost in his thoughts that it took him a moment to register that the strange sound that reached his ears was actually the sound of his door swishing open. For a second, Jim was too startled to move, but then indignation made him rise into a sitting position, blinking heavily against the sudden brightness against his eyes. Crew quarters were private, and they had combination locks for a reason. Whoever had just come into his room without even bothering to press the fucking chime had another thing coming.  
  
"All right, what's going on?"  
  
At the sound of that voice, Jim sat up so abruptly that the room started to spin slightly. Of course it couldn't possible be anybody else who would dare to come into his quarters without knocking or using the chime. Probably Bones hadn't even used his medical override code. The combination to Jim's quarters had never been a secret between them, and up until now that had never been a problem. Only now Jim didn't want Bones in here, and if his friend had bothered to use the door chime like any normal person, then Jim wouldn't have let him in.  
  
Rubbing a hand over his face and carding his fingers through his hair with a quick movement, Jim got up from the bed.  
  
"What the hell? Don't you know how to use a door chime?"  
  
Bones looked irritated, and upon the sharp tone of Jim's reply, the scowl on his face only deepened. He set down the medical kit he had been carrying, and crossed his arms over his chest defiantly.  
  
"Oh, I know perfectly well how to use one of those. But if an officer informs me that in their opinion the Captain has issues that influence his ability to command this ship, I don't really give a damn about proper protocol. So I repeat – what is going on?"  
  
"Spock," Jim spat out as he got up and started to pace in front of his bed. "That meddling bastard. I told him I was all right."  
  
"And apparently he didn't believe you." Bones seemed unfazed. "And though it pains me to admit it, I have to agree with him. Damn it, Jim! What's going on with you?"  
  
Not here, not now. Jim didn't want to – couldn't _stand_ to – have this conversation right now.  
  
"I'm good. I don't know what Spock told you, but there's nothing wrong with me that would require his meddling or you coming here with what looks like half of Medbay's equipment in that bag of yours. Sorry, but you came here for nothing."  
  
Bones raised his eyebrow in a way that would have put Spock to shame. "Of course. Just let me sum up real quickly why there is absolutely _no_ reason at all for anybody to worry about you. Your officers report that you're distracted and seem listless on the bridge, and for nearly a week now you hole up in your room as soon as you're off duty. Neither me nor anybody else has seen you in the mess for about that same amount of time, so either you have developed a liking for the crappy stuff that comes out of the replicators, or you have started to skip a couple of meals. And judged by the rings under your eyes, you started skipping sleep right along with eating. So unless you want me to whip out all that equipment I brought, you'd better start spilling what the hell is going on."  
  
Jim stopped pacing up and down when the movement started to make his head spin a little. He wanted to brush Bones off, but he knew that it was useless. Bones wasn't going to let go easily, not if he was looking for answers.  
  
"Just leave me alone."  
  
Bones' second eyebrow joined the first high up on his forehead.  
  
" _Leave me alone_? And you really think that'll work, Jim? You're exhibiting what could as well be signs of depression and you expect me to just back off? Yeah right, not going to happen. So finally tell me what the hell is going on."  
  
"As if you care!"  
  
Jim didn't know where the anger came from all of a sudden, but finally it was a definite emotion, something he could hold on to that didn't leave him feel like he was suspended over nothing. So he embraced it, even though he had no idea if it was even justified or not. Bones actually took a step back at the unexpected outburst, and his eyes narrowed in concern.  
  
"What are you talking about, of course I…"  
  
"No you don't! In two days you'll be gone, so don't tell me that you actually give a crap!"  
  
Bones was shaking his head, confusion written clearly on his face.  
  
"What has gotten into you? Where is all of that coming from, Jim?"  
  
And suddenly, it was as if a floodgate had been opened. Jim didn't want it all to spill out, but it was as if some part of his brain had decided to relieve all of the tension that was tearing him apart, and he was just a powerless bystander in the fallout.  
  
"I know it, okay? I know that you're going to leave. And I can't even say that I blame you. I mean, it's everything you ever wanted, and of course life on the ship is nothing compared to that. I get that, okay? But you're just standing here as if there was nothing out of the ordinary going on. You didn't even tell anyone that you were going to leave, for crying out loud!"  
  
Bones took an actual step back at those words.  
  
"What the hell are you even talking about?"  
  
Jim couldn't believe that Bones was still pretending that everything was all right. On any normal day that might have given him incentive to think, but right now his emotional upheaval was too big, and he simply didn't have the focus for the finer details.  
  
"I'm talking about the fact that you're going to leave Enterprise, damn it! The least you could do is man up and admit to it, it's not as if I could stop you or do anything against it. And I get it. I mean, nothing can ever compete with being around Joanna, and Jocelyn is gorgeous. Not to mention that this job in Atlanta is everything you've ever dreamed about, too. It's research, not treating patients for a case of the sniffles every other day. It's…I get it, I really do. And I hope it makes you happy, because I know that nothing on the ship can substitute for what's waiting for you back home, and that this…you know, _us_ , that…"  
  
He came dangerously close to saying something he really didn't want to say, but Jim managed to catch himself in time and bit his lip to stop the words from escaping. "We can stay in contact," he said instead. "We're friends, so of course we will. It's…it's going to be great."  
  
Jim wished he was anywhere but here. This babbling, incoherent mess wasn't him, and in the span of a couple of seconds he had managed to blurt out all the things he should have just kept silent about. If at that moment, the floor had opened up beneath him, Jim would have gladly taken the chance to sink down and never come up again.  
  
Bones, on the other hand, looked like he was wondering if at some point on his way to Jim's quarters he had taken a wrong turn and ended up in an alternate reality. His eyebrows were doing wild acrobatics, and his right hand was itching into the direction of the medical kit he had brought, as if looking for the reassurance of feeling a tricorder in his hand.  
  
"What in the name of all that's good are you talking about, Jim?"  
  
How often was Bones going to make him say it? If this was punishment, Jim didn't understand what for. He knew he had tallied up a lot of missteps over the course of his life, but this was too cruel.  
  
"Don't make me say it again," Jim forced out, swallowing against the feeling of bile rising in his throat. He couldn't stand to look at Bones right now, and his hand unconsciously reached for the wall behind him in search for something solid to hold on to, something to ground himself. There was the sound of a step as Bones tried to move closer, and Jim couldn't help but press further against the wall in a pathetic attempt to keep the distance between them intact.  
  
"Jim, I have no idea what you're even talking about. I'm leaving? Why should I be leaving?"  
  
Jim laughed at that, even though the sound that came out was absolutely mirthless and sounded slightly hysterical.  
  
" _Why_? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because she's offering you all you ever wanted on a silver platter, that's why. A family, love, a home, not being in space all the time. And that job in Atlanta is exactly what you always wanted, isn't it? Research work that needs a brilliant mind like yours, no moronic patients to deal with who manage to get themselves banged up no matter what they do, a career where your skills are really appreciated, that's what you always wanted, isn't it? And she can offer you all that, so don't tell me that you're not going to take the chance while you have it. Don't tell me that Joanna alone isn't reason enough for you to drop everything here and go back to Earth. There's no reason for you to stay here, not with what she's offering."  
  
A small frown showed on Bones' forehead, as if he was slowly catching up on Jim's train of thought.  
  
"She? Who are you talking about?"  
  
"Jocelyn! Your ex-wife! The one who wants you back, who told you that you can have Joanna back if you only come back to Earth. The one who found that job in Atlanta for you. _That_ Jocelyn."  
  
The moment when it all fell into place was clearly visible. Anger replaced the confusion on his face, and the expression in his eyes darkened.  
  
"You watched her video message."  
  
No point in denying it now. "Yes."

"Damn it, Jim!" Bones exploded. "That message was private! You had no damn right to snoop around in my private business! Of all the stupid, hare-brained things you've ever done, this…this one absolutely tops it all! You might be the Captain of this flying tin can, but that doesn't give you the right to do something like this!"  
  
He had earned that, Jim knew it. But it didn't take the sting out of the words. Bones leaving was a bad enough prospect, but Bones leaving in anger…the thought clenched something in Jim's chest together so tightly that it was difficult to draw breath.  
  
"You wouldn't tell me what the message was about."  
  
And damn, didn't that sound pathetic. And judged by the expression on Bones' face, it had been the exact wrong thing to say.  
  
"Of course I didn't, because it was none of your damn business!"  
  
"If my CMO decides to leave the ship, that makes it my damn business!"  
  
Bones threw his hands up in the air in frustration. "The moment I tell you that I'm going to leave you can start worrying about that, okay? But you have no right to go through my private messages and draw insane conclusions like that!"  
  
But the words barely penetrated through the haze in Jim's mind.  
  
"Don't tell me that what she's offering isn't exactly what you want! Don't tell me that you're not going to leave!"  
  
Jim didn't like how his voice broke over those last words, and how it made him seem even more pathetic than he already was. Bones just looked at him for a few long seconds, then he breathed a deep sigh and his shoulders slumped as his anger visibly drained from him.  
  
"I'm not leaving, Jim," he said softly, but Jim only shook his head.  
  
For five days, all he had been able to think about was that Bones was going to leave. He was going to leave the Enterprise, and he was going to leave Jim. These thoughts had torn open something inside of him, and the pain from that was overshadowing all rational thought. Bones was leaving. He had to leave, because he was going to be so much happier back on Earth with Joanna than he was ever going to be up here in space with Jim. Bones was leaving, anything else just didn't make sense.  
  
Hands grasping the wall behind himself for something to hold on to, Jim shook his head.  
  
"But why?"  
  
Bones seemed confused. "What _why_?"  
  
"Why wouldn't you want to leave? You love Joanna, and I know that it's tearing you apart that you can't be there to watch her grow up. You hate being in space. And that job in Atlanta, it's the perfect opportunity for you. There's no reason you shouldn't go back to Earth. There's nothing here on the ship that can compete with what's waiting for you there."  
  
There, it was out now. There was no reason for Bones to keep on denying that he'd have more to gain by leaving than he'd get from staying here. Jim felt as if everything that had kept him upright for the past couple of days had drained out of him, and he bonelessly sank down onto the small sofa.  
  
For a few moments, the room was silent. Then there was the sound of boots squeaking on the floor, then Bones settled on the armchair facing Jim with a sigh.  
  
"So let me get this straight. You've watched that video message from Jocelyn even though it was none of your business, and ever since then you've convinced yourself that I'm going to leave."  
  
Jim shrugged. "It makes sense, doesn't it?"  
  
"Not really, no." Bones sighed. "I still make my own decisions, for one. And another thing is that if you already were so sure that I was going to leave, why the hell didn't you talk to me? We're friends, damn it. Instead of brooding for days so that the entire crew notices that something's wrong with you, why didn't you just come to me?"  
  
Jim forced out a laugh. "Yeah, right. Because you didn't start evading me the moment that message arrived."  
  
"Now hold on a second. You've seen that message, so cut me some slack. It was a bit much to deal with all at once, and it's not as if you had been going out of your way to talk to me, either…"  
  
"Besides," Jim interrupted him before he could say anything else, "that job offer from Atlanta arrived just a day later, and you made that unscheduled call to Joanna, so what good would talking have done?"  
  
Those words were followed by a moment of silence, and when Jim thought he couldn't stand it anymore, he dared to look up and sneak a glance at the other man. Bones was looking at him with an expression Jim wasn't really able to define, and he immediately looked away again.  
  
"I wasn't snooping around," he mumbled. "These things went through official channels. They had to go over my desk."  
  
"I know." Bones breathed a heavy sigh and shifted uncomfortably on the armchair. "Jocelyn contacted the people in the Atlanta facility, and they sent the job offer. It's not the first time something like this has happened, and you've never worried about any of the other offers before. And that call to Joanna…that had other reasons entirely, Jim. It had nothing at all to do with Jocelyn's message. Jo doesn't even know anything about that yet."  
  
It all didn't make sense. Just an hour ago, things had made sense in Jim's head. A cruel kind of sense, something Jim didn't think he could ever live with, but at least things had made sense. Now it was all just a confused mess in his head. He had the sudden urge to slam his head into a wall. Maybe if he only hit himself hard enough, the pieces would fall into place. Or he'd knock himself unconscious, and then it wouldn't matter anymore.  
  
"But why? Why don't you want to go? It's everything you ever dreamed of."  
  
Jim finally raised his head, though he still didn't look directly at the other man. But he did see how Bones was shaking his head from side to side, one hand buried in his short hair.  
  
"Okay, let's get the unimportant stuff out of the way first. I've never once considered that job offer from Atlanta. It's…it's not my thing, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, right. Because showing your genius in the one field you really excel in is _not your thing_. Because doing the work you like without having to bother with all those stupid and mundane injuries you always complain about is _not your thing_. Being on Earth is _not your thing_ because everybody knows you love space so much."  
  
Bones drew a deep breath. "I like my job, okay? And yes, this crew consists nearly entirely of morons who use every single opportunity to get themselves mauled, burned, shot, stabbed or broken in a thousand other ways, but that doesn't mean I think I'm above treating them, or that my calling is something else. I actually like this crew even though most of them have no consideration for their own health whatsoever. Besides, who would patch all of you up again if I wasn't around anymore? And if you think being CMO on this ship isn't challenging, then you got another thing coming. Do you really think I'd be happy locked away in a lab all day long, with Starfleet officials breathing down my neck and watching my every move? I became a doctor because I wanted to treat people, not because I wanted to do research for the rest of my life."  
  
"But you're good at research."  
  
"I'm also good at Tallassian Poker, but I'm not planning on making a career out of that, either."  
  
Jim shook his head. "That's different. Besides, you went to space to escape Jocelyn and that whole mess of the divorce, nothing else. Now she offers you everything you had to leave behind back again. You'd be stupid not to take it."  
  
Bones looked as if he wasn't sure whether to laugh or tear at his hair in frustration.  
  
"Maybe you're not considering the most important point."  
  
"What's that?"  
  
"Maybe I don't want all that back."  
  
"Then you're crazy. Jocelyn and you finally get along. And she's gorgeous, you have to admit that. Hell, you've been in love with her before, you can't tell me that there's nothing left of that."  
  
Bones threw his hands in the air as frustration clearly won the battle for dominance.  
  
"What do you want me to say? That a part of me will always love her, or some other romantic bullshit like that? Of course I know Jocelyn is a beautiful woman. I'm not blind, okay? And of course I still remember what it felt like to be in love with her. It wasn't all fighting and yelling like it was towards the end. We were happy, we were in love, and we were good together. I haven't forgotten what that feels like. But I also haven't forgotten what it felt like when the whole thing went down the drain. And those are not really the kind of memories I like to look back on at all. It's good that she and I have finally found some middle ground, and that we're getting along better now, but that doesn't mean I want her back, no matter how gorgeous or not she might be. I moved on, Jim, why is that so hard to understand?"  
  
Because Jim couldn't understand that someone would give up all that which Jocelyn offered to Bones for the sake of staying in a place he hated. Because it was hard to imagine that Bones would chose this life over being happy with his daughter. Because it was impossible that he would chose Jim over all that.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
It cost a lot of effort to look up at the other man. Bones still had that unreadable expression on his face, and it was hard to suddenly no longer know what was going on in his friend's head.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Why are you so hung up on all this? Okay, so you misunderstood Jocelyn's message and drew a few wrong conclusions. That's one thing. But I tell you that you got worked up over nothing and it's like you haven't even heard me. Why are you so dead set on the fact that I'm going to leave? It's almost as if you want me to say yes to Jocelyn's offer."  
  
Jim drew a deep breath, but released it again without saying anything. He couldn't. He didn't want Bones to leave, not ever. But more than anything, he wanted for Bones to be happy. And it was simply so obvious that Bones was going to be so much happier at home, with his daughter. But there was no way he could put all that into words.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
Jim shook his head, not trusting his voice to speak without breaking. But Bones wasn't going to let go without an answer, he knew that as well. So he cleared his throat and drew another deep breath before he dared to speak.  
  
"I don't want you to go. But it's Joanna."  
  
"What about her?"  
  
" _Everything_. For over five years, you've been telling me that you miss her, and how much you hate not being around her. And now you got the chance to have her back and you want to tell me that you're not going to go for it?"  
  
Bones leaned back in his armchair as if he didn't know what to make of that question. He pressed his hands together and leaned his forehead against them, deep in thought.  
  
"I don't know what you want to hear, Jim. And I have no idea why you're so hung up on something that has nothing to do with you in the first place."  
  
Those words stung even more than some of Bones' earlier, much harsher, words had. It had nothing to do with Jim. Of course not. Because even if Bones decided to stay, Jim wasn't the reason for that.  
  
"I told you, I don't want you to go. But she's the most important person in your entire life. I can't compete with that."  
  
The frown was back on Bones' face.  
  
"Who says you have to?"  
  
Jim sighed in frustration and got up from the sofa. He needed to move, needed to try and pace away some of the tension that was eating him up from the inside.  
  
"Nobody. I know that I can't. But I also know that you'll be happier with Joanna than you're ever going with m…up here in space. I don't want you to regret that you didn't take the chance when you had it."  
  
Bones looked up to where Jim was pacing, and even when Jim didn't look at him he could feel the other man's gaze burning holes in his back. This was all not going the way Jim had imagined it. Either Bones was leaving or not, but this conversation was so weird that Jim no longer knew what was what. His near slipping up just now didn't help, either.  
  
Bones seemed tired as he took his hands away from his face and looked up at Jim. That straight-on gaze Jim could already barely deal with. Worse was that Bones also got up, compromising that distance Jim had so carefully constructed between them.  
  
"Okay, first things first. I still don't get why you work yourself up so badly about all this that you essentially lock yourself in your room and brood all day long for nearly a week. But trust me that I've spend quite a lot of time thinking about this over the past week. Of course I love Joanna. More than anything. And I miss her every single day. But…I wouldn't be happier on Earth. In fact I think I would be the exact opposite of happy, and that wouldn't be good for either her or me."  
  
Jim was shaking his head again, but Bones didn't let him get a word in between.  
  
"I'm serious. Believe it or not, I actually like my job on this ship, moronic crew and absolutely insane working hours notwithstanding. How you came up with the completely idiotic idea that you'd have to compete against anything in order to make me stay is beyond me."  
  
Jim didn't want to say anything, but his mouth had other ideas than his brain.  
  
"That message sounded like an offer for everything you ever wanted. And I didn't want you to go. I _don't_ want you to go. I just didn't see any incentive for you to stay. That job offer sounded brilliant, you could have Joanna, and this thing between us…"  
  
He cut himself off, not daring to look at Bones just then. But of course the other man had heard Jim's words.  
  
"What _thing_ , Jim? Because if you're talking about our friendship, then let me tell you that it played a big part in why I even considered a posting on a starship when I could have as well applied for a posting on a Starbase somewhere on a safe planet. So if you start doubting the strength of that, you're an idiot. But if you're talking about the fact that there's been something more to us than mere friendship for the past couple of months, then I think we're long overdue on a little talk about that."  
  
So this was it, Jim thought. This was the point where Bones came to his senses and told him that they couldn't go on like that. Jim was grateful that Bones had no intention of leaving Enterprise, but he didn't want him to stay if things were going to be awkward or tense between them. Jim didn't want their friendship to change under the strain of the fact that he wanted more than Bones was willing to give.  
  
"I…I understand if you want to break this up."  
  
And even saying these words was tearing Jim up inside, because it was a blatant lie. He didn't understand. He didn't want Bones to break this whatever it was between them off again. But he was willing to do anything to salvage their friendship, even if that meant he was never again going to be anything more to the other man.  
  
Bones however was doing that thing again where his eyebrow tried to disappear behind his hairline, and the eye-roll he gave was one of monumental proportions.  
  
"I have no idea what state you worked yourself into, Jim, but you've got to snap out of it. I know that normally you're not that slow on the uptake. If I didn't want this, it wouldn't have happened again after that drunken first time. That's really not the issue here. It's just that…do you really think we can go on like that?"  
  
The breath caught in Jim's throat at those words and he slowly turned around to face the other man.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Seriously, I'm this close to taking you off duty for being a moron. And if there is no Starfleet regulation for that, trust me that I'm going to make one up. Just use that oversized brain of yours for thinking once, would you? Didn't you think that other than the fact that I actually _like_ this job even though I never thought I would, there might be another reason why I don't want to leave Enterprise?"  
  
Jim swallowed against his suddenly dry throat. "Not really, no."  
  
Bones sighed. "Of course not. So you probably didn't think it might have something to do with you, either."  
  
Jim shook his head, and suddenly Bones was there, right in front of him, right in his personal space. They had been this close before. Closer even, and with no clothes between them, but that had been different. This was a different kind of proximity, one that had Jim's heart beat a frantic tattoo against the inside of his chest and made him want to turn around and run for fear that he was reading this all wrong. The only reason why Jim didn't turn around and run was Bones' steady gaze on him, and the thought flashed through Jim's mind that Bones was far more courageous than he was.  
  
"No…" Jim breathed out, his voice breaking slightly over that syllable. Bones was so close that Jim could feel his breath against his own face. And then that quick brush of exhaled air was replaced by a warm, solid hand that cupped his cheek, and Jim unconsciously leaned into the contact as Bones' thumb moved gently over his cheekbone.  
  
"God, but you're an idiot," Bones exhaled, and even if Jim had an answer to that, it would have been cut off by Bones' lips closing over his own. It didn't only shut him up from one second to the next, it short-circuited his entire brain so that the only coherent thoughts he could come up with were _yes_ and _Bones_ and _finally_. It was…it defied all description, even though it was just a kiss, and Jim knew, distantly and rationally, that a simple kiss didn't hold the power to shift an entire universe.  
  
Only, this one did. Not the universe, the endless space they were drifting through each and every day, no. But Jim's very own universe, the fictitious state containing everything that touched his life, be it on the margin or right there dead-center, that universe had needed the feeling of Bones' lips on his to finally spin on its axis – not again, but maybe for the first time in his entire life.  
  
Why hadn't they done this before?  
  
Because they had been blind and stupid, focused on urges and desire when they should have seen the true feelings behind those. Because they had been too proud (and maybe too stupid) to admit to the fact that they wanted more than what they already knew they had. And probably the main reason was that they had been too afraid to lose each other.  
  
Bones' tongue gently traced the curve of Jim's lip and he opened up to him, because suddenly it was the most natural thing in the world, and _not_ kissing Bones would be stupid, a waste of time and should be officially considered a crime.  
Jim moaned as their tongues met and started moving against one another. It all felt so natural, so absolutely fucking _right_ that Jim never wanted for it to stop. If all this was a dream, he didn't want to be torn out of it. Ever.  
  
Jim wrapped his own hands into Bones' hair, pulling him even closer even though there was barely any space between them, and even as the need for oxygen finally broke them apart he held on, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead against Bones' as he listened to the soundtrack of his rapidly beating heart.  
  
"Bones…"  
  
It sounded hoarse and breathless, and it felt like a prayer, a thank you and a promise all wrapped into one syllable.  
  
"Been wanting to do that for ages."  
  
Bones didn't sound much better than Jim did, just as breathless and helpless in the face of what they were doing, and it calmed Jim a little to hear that.  
  
"Why didn't you?"  
  
Bones drew back his head – not much, just far away that he could look Jim in the eyes. Jim looked at him, really _looked_ at his friend for the first time in a long time, without bothering to force back all the feelings that rose up inside of him, and something in his stomach gave a funny lurch. Bones' eyes were half-lidded, long lashes Jim had never noticed before framing that hazel gaze, and there was a flush to his face that seemed to spread from his cheeks all the way to his full, slightly reddened lips.  
  
"You're kidding, right? Jim you…you don't do relationships. You never did. I'm still not entirely sure you do."  
  
Jim didn't know the answer to that himself, all he knew was that he wanted to be with Bones, and he wasn't overly worried about what to label this between them, because their friendship was already the longest lasting relationship in Jim's life, anyway, and he didn't want it any other way.  
  
"I…some things, they just feel right. Like they're worth taking a leap of faith for."  
  
Bones smiled – and how could Jim have missed the way Bones' eyes lit up when he smiled before? – swiping over Jim's cheek with the thumb of his hand that still rested against it. Bones' other hand was resting against Jim's hip, the tips of his fingers warm against Jim's skin where they had slipped under the hem of his shirt. Jim untangled one hand from Bones' hair and slid it down until it rested in the center of Bones' broad back.  
  
The smile on Bones' face widened, and this time it was Jim who pulled him in again, already missing the feeling of the other man's lips on his like a missing limb.  
This time, the kiss was not as hesitant and careful as the first. Jim's hands started to wander of their own volition, stroking over Bones' back and finally, blissfully sneaking under the other man's shirt. Bones' skin was hot under his touch, and he moaned loudly into Jim's mouth as Jim gently traced his fingers up and down the curve of his spine.  
  
"Jim…" Bones breathed, breaking their kiss for a second to exchange small tender nips to Jim's lower lip. "I…this…"  
  
"I know…" Jim mouthed back before he pressed his lips to the other man's again. He was just as overwhelmed as Bones sounded, unable to deal with all those feelings inside of him other than just let himself fall into the sensation as Bones' tongue worked its way into his mouth while his fingers seemed to be everywhere at once.  
  
It was different than all these times before, brand-new even though it wasn't the first time that his hands ran over Bones' skin, not the first time that he frantically tugged at fabric in a silent plea to get it off and out of the way. Jim was reluctant to break apart, but the deft way Bones pulled Jim's shirt over his head was a small satisfaction because it showed the same urgency Jim was feeling.  
  
That urgency had been a trademark of all their previous encounters, but this time there was a different quality to it all. This time, Jim didn't hold back all those small things that he had previously been afraid would give away just how he was feeling about his best friend. Now there was no need to suppress the desire to tenderly kiss his way down the side of Bones' jaw, tongue flicking out to taste the slightly salty skin down Bones' neck as the other man's pulse thrummed directly under his tongue.  
  
Bones' moan, so deep and guttural that it was nearly a growl, was Jim's undoing. His feet were moving on their own volition as they both pushed and pulled each other towards the bed. Bones shrugged all the way out of his shirt as they all but tumbled to the bed atop the sheets, and immediately Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, meeting his tongue halfway between their mouths as he shifted atop the other man.  
  
"Jim…" Bones moaned, hands moving down Jim's back until his fingers tantalizingly slipped beneath the waistband of Jim's pants. The hoarse voice sent shivers down Jim's spine that had nothing to do with the feeling of those hands moving over his skin, and the thought that _he_ was the reason Bones sounded like that, that he could undo Bones like that, was thrilling and exciting and went straight into his groin.  
  
Shifting on the bed, he brought their bodies together, his erection grinding against the fabric-clad bulge in Bones' pants. Bones threw his head back and moaned at the friction, and both hands moved towards Jim's hips to pull him down harder. The grinding was wonderful, but it was too much, too soon, and Jim wanted this to last.  
  
So when Bones' grip around his hips tightened and he flipped them over, Jim went along with the movement even if it forced their bodies apart again. Bones straddled him, knees bracketing Jim's hips, and the mere sight overloaded Jim's senses. Bones looked positively wanton, eyes dark and pupils blown wide with arousal, lips moist, slightly parted, and red from kissing.  
  
"God, Bones, I…"  
  
When words failed him, Jim pulled the other man down, angling for another kiss – because he had realized he could keep doing that all day long, and he had a lot of catching up to do – but somewhere along the way Bones changed trajectory and his mouth ended up at the hollow of Jim's throat, kissing and tonguing the sensitive flesh there. Jim's hands were buried in Bones' hair again and a moan tore free as he threw back his head and let Bones work his magic. Apparently though, Bones wasn't content with that one spot, and his mouth started moving over the skin of Jim's chest, leaving tender kisses and small, playful bites along the way.  
  
It was nothing they hadn't done before, yet so completely and utterly different at the same time. During the previous times they had slept together, there had been an aggressive undertone to it, a selfish desire to fulfill urges on both parts because they both hadn't given in to what they really wanted.  
  
Now those barriers had been torn down, and Jim felt as if his whole body was on fire where Bones hands and lips touched him. When those hands reached the hem of his pants – pants which were far too tight by now – Jim jerked his hips up in a silent plea. Bones smirked, downright _smirked_ , the bastard, but his own impatience seemed to win out because he deftly undid button and zipper and urged Jim to raise his hips. Jim complied only too eagerly, unable to hold back another keening moan as fabric scratched over his all too sensitive flesh, and the cool air of the bedroom felt like a blessed relief against the scorching heat.  
  
This wouldn't do. Him naked while Bones was still dressed from the waist down absolutely wouldn't do. Not for any longer.  
  
Bones seemed surprised when Jim tried to shrug all the way out of his clothes while Bones was still straddling him and at the same time he reached for the button of Bones' own pants with fingers that were shaking ever so slightly. It was probably a physical impossibility what Jim was trying to achieve, but damn it, he needed Bones naked right now, and he had a thing for doing the impossible. It looked clumsy and probably lacked all elegance, but right now Jim didn't care if it looked as if he had never even tried to do this before. It got Bones naked, and in the end that was all that counted.  
  
Skin.  
  
There was just so much skin in Jim's sight now that was only waiting to be explored and discovered anew. Bones was tanned and smooth on his shoulders and arms, skin taut over the enticing movement of the muscles underneath. Jim loved to run his fingers over it and watch the skin shift as Bones' muscles twitched in response – all the way from Bones' arms and shoulders down his chest and down his stomach, past his bellybutton and along the thin trail of hair that started there. The tan faded towards Bones' waistline even if the muscles didn't. He kept in good shape, something the uniform shirts were hiding pretty well, and as Jim gently, almost reverently ran his fingers down the defined ridges, Bones hissed and jerked his hips towards Jim. One of Bones' hands unerringly reached for Jim's cock, long fingers wrapping around the hard flesh. Jim squeezed his eyes tightly shut as a thumb rubbed over the head, but before Jim could settle into a rhythm, before he could even think about jerking his hips back against that wonderfully tight friction, Bones released his grip again.  
  
It was too much, the anticipation was overwhelming and Jim's heart was beating so fast that he thought it was trying to burst free. Something inside of Jim snapped and he pushed Bones back onto the bed, practically jumping him as he crushed their mouths together once more. Those kisses were addictive, all lips and tongue and _Bones_ , pure Bones as they tumbled onto the bed together. There was nothing but skin on skin, and the feeling of their erections grounding together was like an electric current running through Jim's entire body, short-circuiting a couple of brain synapses along the way.  
  
Too much. There were so many things Jim wanted to do and try out now that he no longer needed to hold anything back, but his whole body was thrumming with need and his brain was capable of nothing but one single thought.  
He didn't want to break the kiss, never ever wanted to stop kissing Bones again, but he managed to tear himself away long enough to voice the one thing that was on his mind.  
  
"Want you."  
  
Bones' eyes were just a thin ring of hazel around a wide-blown black pupils, and if that was even possible, they widened even further as Jim's words penetrated through the lust-filled haze in his mind. As if to emphasize his point, Jim ground his hips against Bones. Eyes snapped shut at the friction and Bones let his head fall back onto the mattress with a loud groan.  
  
"Jim…"  
  
It was a guttural growl, and it went straight into Jim's groin, as if his ears were hardwired straight to his cock whenever Bones was talking. Especially when Bones was groaning his name like that. Jim wanted to hear it again and again. But even more than that, he wanted to feel Bones inside of him. Now.  
  
"Bones. Please."  
  
It must have been the tone of his voice that had Bones surging up to bring their mouths together again, both hands on Jim's ass and squeezing tightly as he flipped them over.  
  
Jim didn't know what to do with his hands. There was a moment of shifting and groping in the bedside table and then he was spreading open for Bones, willingly opening up to the other man. And it wasn't the first time, but it sure felt like the first time that he offered himself up this completely, without reservation or hesitation.  
  
The anticipation of what was about to happen now was sending thrills through his body, but kneeling between his legs as he was now, Bones was too far away to reach. Too far away to stroke or hold, let alone kiss, and Jim wished that the other man would just hurry the hell up so that Jim could feel him all over again.  
  
But Bones was patient, and meticulous, and very insistent on preparing Jim. First one lubricated finger slid into him, which Jim welcomed and ground back against, and Jim was sure the second finger that followed was enough, that the way those fingers were moving and scissoring was plenty of preparation for Bones to finally enter him, but Jim was helpless to speed things up on his own. Bones tried to pacify him with a kiss to his thigh – _patience Jim, don't want to hurt you, never hurt you_ \- and then slid a third finger into Jim. Jim screwed his eyes shut, hips jerking back against those fingers as if they had a mind of their own. It was good, that feeling of Bones' fingers moving inside of him, the warmth of Bones' other hand against his thigh, holding Jim open with a pressure that was so gentle it was almost tender, yet unyielding at the same time.  
  
Jim wanted more. He needed more, and he needed it now, no matter what Bones thought about whether or not Jim was ready. Jim knew he was, and that was enough. Bones had been too far away for far too long, and that simply wouldn't do.  
  
Jim shifted, a keening moan that would have been embarrassing under any other circumstances slipping from his mouth as those fingers withdrew, and then he was scrambling into a sitting position, his fingers grasping blindly for the small bottle Bones had discarded somewhere amidst the sheets. And screw whether the sheets were getting dirty or not, Jim squeezed a generous amount of lube onto his hands and then simply tossed the opened bottle away, too intent on finally touching Bones to care about anything as mundane as soiled sheets.  
Jim was hard, so hard that he thought he wouldn't last long if anybody were to touch him now, but Bones wasn't faring much different. He gasped as Jim wrapped his fingers around the hard flesh, and Jim could have kept on stroking like this for the entire night, lost in the feeling of Bones in his hands, hard and leaking, in the sounds of the small sighs and moans his movements produced. It was intoxicating and addictive, and Jim couldn't control himself anymore. The only thing he could think of was the feeling of Bones in his hand, and how he could never get enough of that.  
  
Jim was only torn out his movements when lips crushed against his, and this time there was nothing even remotely romantic or tender about the kiss, or about the way Bones' tongue forced its way into Jim's mouth.  
"Want you…" It was barely more than a breathless pant between kisses. "God, Jim…so much…need you now…"  
  
They could have been at it already if Bones hadn't been so intent on drawing this out, but Jim was too incoherent to care right now. He pulled Bones along with him as he lay back on the bed, clutching at him as if he was afraid the other man was going to leave if he let go. Bones didn't seem as if he had any intention of going anywhere, but Jim couldn't unclench his fingers from Bones' back, even as Bones shifted and Jim felt the pressure as he started to push inside.  
  
There was pain. There always was when Bones entered him, no matter how careful he tried to prepare Jim. But this time Jim reveled in the slightly burning sensation as Bones slid into him, slowly but steadily until he was buried in all the way and stopped moving.  
  
Jim wanted to stay like this forever, and screw everything else. _This_ was all he needed, him and Bones, connected as close as two human beings could possibly be. He wanted to be like this and kiss Bones and then the rest of the world wouldn't matter anymore. Just him and Bones, joined in this ultimate way.  
  
Jim knew that Bones was giving him time to adjust, was trying to distract Jim with tender kisses from the pain his entry had caused – because of course Bones knew. Bones knew Jim, and he damn well knew when Jim was in pain, so there was no reason to even try and hide it. But Jim was a big boy, he could take a little pain, and if Bones only started moving then it would be over soon, anyway. He needed Bones to move, but instead the anticipation grew with every second Bones waited, every time he leaned in for another kiss instead of finally thrusting his hips the way Jim wanted him to.  
  
And then finally Bones was moving, and Jim's tenuous hold on coherency slipped entirely. There was nothing but the feeling of Bones moving inside of him, of those electric currents running through his entire body whenever he angled his thrusts and hit that one spot _just right_ , nothing but the feeling of Bones' skin under Jim's fingers as he clutched, stroked, and held on for dear life while Bones thrust in and out of him as if he was trying to meld them into one.  
  
"Bones…" Jim moaned, reduced to that one syllable even as his hands reached for Bones' hips, fingers skimming over heated and swear-slick skin until he found purchase on Bones' ass and pulled him down _hard_.  
  
"God, Jim." Bones did a twist with his hips that had Jim seeing stars, and Jim latched onto Bones' shoulder, lapping at and suckling the warm, salty skin over the indent of Bones' collarbone even as Bones increased the speed of his thrusts. Jim was acting purely on instinct as they moved with and atop and inside of each other as if it was the only thing that mattered in the world.  
  
To Jim it was.  
  
There was nothing more important than this, right here, right now, and the way it made him feel. The way it made Bones feel, if the breathy moans and small grunts, or the way he was whispering Jim's name again and again were any indication.  
  
Jim didn't know where to put his hands next, too big was his desire to touch as many different places on Bones' body as quickly as possible. There was skin and muscle and lips and hair, hair that Jim's hands finally tangled in as a hand wrapped around his achingly hard cock and began stroking him in time with Bones' thrusts.  
  
He was too far gone, he could only let himself fall into this and go wherever it took him. Bones' hand on him was that last push towards the edge he had needed, and then as Bones did a twist with his hand, a flick of thumb against the underside of Jim's cock that had Jim seeing fucking _stars_ , and then Jim was tumbling. He was falling over the edge, too focused on the intensity of that feeling to notice anything beyond it. He was falling, flying through the endless and weightless expanse of space as Bones followed him over the edge. Jim dissolved the moment he felt Bones' climax, exploded into a thousand pieces that were falling apart only to reassemble again the fragment of a second later, shaping him into the same old Jim, only that from now on he was forever going to carry a little bit of Bones with him, like a brand on his soul.  
  
It was too intense, too much to take in at once. Jim knew about mind-blowing sex, but this…he hadn't expected this. He hadn't expected for the feelings to be so overwhelming that he could only hang on until his brain and his body somehow caught up with one another again. It felt like floating, like riding a giant wave until it crested and pulled him under water where everything was muted, where there was no up or down, nothing but the feeling of complete and utter contentment. He could stay like this, float forever in this blissful oblivion. The next thing Jim became aware of was Bones' weight warm and comfortably atop of him, ribcage heaving against Jim's, his hurried and panting breaths gushing hotly over the skin of Jim's neck.  
  
"God…Bones…"  
  
Bones slowly lifted his head, as if the movement required strength he needed to draw up from somewhere deep inside. The hazel in his eyes was more prominent now than it had been minutes ago when his eyes had been blown wide with lust. Now he just looked at Jim for a few beats, sated and content, before his eyes dropped close and he let his forehead sink against Jim's with a sigh.  
  
This was what Jim had always wanted.  
  
This was what he had felt cheated out of before, when it had just been about the sex. This proximity, the fact that Bones stayed when previously he had withdrawn far too quickly. One of Jim's hands was still tangled in Bones' hair, and suddenly it seemed like the most natural thing in the world to draw him in for a kiss, and he met no resistance as he did so. The kiss was lazy and satisfied, a gentle shift of lips and tongue with no further intention behind it other than to stay connected like this for as long as possible.  
  
When Bones started to shift and withdrew, it was still too soon for Jim's liking. But he saw the notion of discomfort on Bones' face, so no matter how reluctant he was, he didn't protest as Bones withdrew.  
  
This time, it wasn't the signal that whatever had happened was over and they could both go back to pretending that they were just friends. This time, Bones settled beside him, body warm as he stretched out alongside Jim, and suddenly Jim knew, with aching clarity, that this was what he wanted – Bones beside him, just like this. Every single day, if possible. Maybe he was angling too high with this. Having high expectations had never worked out in his life. It had only ever brought disappointment, and had Jim not been unwilling to invest himself in any kind of long-lasting relationship based on real emotions until now, it would have also broken his heart a few times over again.  
  
So where were they going from here? It wasn't as if Bones had said anything committal about what this made them. Lovers? A couple? Still nothing more than friends with benefits? Jim didn't know, even though he hoped desperately that this meant what he thought it did. He simply didn't know, but despite all these doubts it was as if his body was acting on its own volition as he curled up around Bones, one leg shifting to move between the other man's as he moved into the comfortable burrow against Bones' side and leaned his head into the crook of his neck. Whatever _this_ was, between them, Jim was going to take whatever he could get.  
  
Bones chuckled as he wrapped his arm around Jim and pulled him even closer.  
  
"Didn't know you were a cuddler."  
  
Truth be told, neither had Jim. Not really. Post-coital clinging together had always been a thing he had endured rather than initiated.  
  
"I don't know." He tried to shrug, but gave up halfway through. "It never felt like this before, either."  
  
One of Bones' hands went into Jim's hair and pulled his head more tightly against him. In that moment, Jim was nearly sure. Nearly.  
  
"You didn't give me an answer earlier."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
 _Earlier_. Well, that was precise. There had been a lot of talking earlier, and it was going to take a little while until Jim was going to remember it all. Not so quickly after sex, definitely not. Especially not when Bones' hand moved from the back of his head down to his neck, squeezing gently before it started trailing up and down his spine in a soothing, almost hypnotic movement.  
  
"When I said I wasn't sure you were someone who does relationships."  
  
Jim was taken aback for a second. "Is that what you want?"  
  
"What, you think I'm here because your bed is more comfortable than mine? Why else would I ask? But I want us to be on the same page about it. I…I want us to have the same expectations about it."  
  
And Jim wanted to throw his head back and laugh, because it all seemed so easy. He had no idea what all of Bones' expectations were, and that kind of commitment scared the bejesus out of him. He had never tried it before, had never been ready to let anyone get close enough to try. But this was Bones. The one person who already knew most of the dark things lurking in his past. The one who had seen him at his worst. If Bones hadn't run by now but instead was still willing to give this between them a chance, Jim was damn willing to give it a try. No, not a try. He was willing to give it all he got, and then some.  
  
He just had no idea how to put that into words.  
  
"I…I don't want to screw this up."  
  
Bones forehead frowned in confusion, but then the lines eased as if the answer to that problem couldn't be any simpler.  
  
"Then don't."  
  
And Jim didn't know whether to laugh, or to start wondering if the other man was losing his mind.  
  
"I don't exactly have a track record of not screwing things up, you know?"  
  
Bones shrugged, and when the movement jostled Jim's head from is position against his shoulder he immediately reached out and pulled him close again.  
  
"Five years and counting, and neither of us managed to screw up this friendship. I'd say that's a good start. We'll figure out the rest as we go along." He pulled his head back so that he could look into Jim's eyes, then he leaned in and pressed another tender kiss to Jim's lips. "I just need to know that we both want this, and exclusively."  
  
If monogamy was what Bones was worried about, then he didn't have to worry. It wasn't as if Jim had been able to think about anybody else over the past months, and now that he finally had Bones completely he wasn't going to be stupid enough to throw it away. So that answer was ridiculously simple. Hell yeah, he wanted this. Exclusively. And for as long as possible. Preferably indefinitely.  
  
Jim pressed his face more firmly against Bones' chest, torn between the desire to kiss it, and that to nip and bite at the flesh and then soothe the irritation with his tongue. He settled for a few quick and tender kisses before he turned and looked up into the hazel eyes that were watching him attentively.  
  
"Sounds perfect."  
  
And finally, as if that had been what he had been waiting to hear, Bones smiled. "Good. That's all I need to know."  
  
It sounded so easy. Much too easy. Jim didn't really trust those things, because _too easy_ had too often turned out to mean _too good to be true_ in the past.  
  
Jim curled up closer, still confused by but not doubting this sudden desire to be as close as possible to the other man.  
  
"What are you going to tell Jocelyn?"  
  
And in all honesty, that was the one question that still scared Jim, the one doubt that didn't quite stop nagging at him. But if any of the ease of Bones' shrug was faked, he was a far better actor than Jim thought he was.  
  
"The truth. That I moved on. If she really cares about me, then she'll understand."  
  
"And Jo?"  
  
A bit of the smile died from Bones' face, but it didn't vanish entirely. It hardly ever did when his daughter was on his mind.  
  
"She knows that I love her, and that she's the most important person in my entire life. And I'm not out of her life, even if it's video messages and letters for the most part now. But she tells me that she's proud of me and what we're doing up here every time we talk, and I'll just have to rely that it's enough. I don't know what will be when our five years are up, but right now this is what's right for me. And I think I'm lucky enough to have a daughter who's smart enough to understand that."  
  
Jim looked at Bones for a long moment, trying to detect the lie in that statement, or any other sign that he was being less than completely honest with him. But no matter how hard he searched, he didn't find anything. Bones raised an eyebrow and used a thumb to gently smooth out the frown lines on Jim's forehead.  
  
"That call I made…"  
  
Jim was confused. "Which one?"  
  
Moving his hand from Jim's forehead so that it was cupping Jim's cheek, Bones continued. "The one to Joanna, which had you thinking I was telling her I'd come home."  
  
"Yeah, I remember."  
  
"I want you to meet her."  
  
Once the words sunk in, Jim was so startled that he raised his head from its position on Bones' chest and just stared at the other man. Because he couldn't have possibly heard right.  
  
"You want me to _what_?"  
  
Bones shrugged, even though a slight notion of insecurity was showing on his face.  
  
"Meet her. If you want to, of course."  
  
But Jim still couldn't quite believe what he was hearing.  
  
"You want me to meet Joanna. Your daughter."  
  
"Yes. You're acting as if I had suggested something indecent."  
  
Jim shook his head. "No, of course not. It's just that…Bones, I've never even been around when you talk to her. That time is so damn important to you."  
  
"So are you."  
  
Three simple words, and they humbled Jim like nothing else ever had. But if Bones noticed the slight blush to his cheeks, he didn't let it on.  
  
"I want the two most important people in my life to finally get to know each other. And Jo is thrilled about the idea, which admittedly might have something to do with the fact that she'll be the coolest girl in the entire fourth grade if she can brag about having met Captain James T. Kirk. But…I've been telling her a lot about you over the past years, and she really wants to meet you. So if you can manage to get to Georgia for a day during shore leave, she'd love that." And, more timidly, he added. "Me, too."  
  
And suddenly Jim understood that Bones was babbling because he was nervous, that he might even be worried Jim would not _want_ to meet Joanna, which was just ridiculous. Quickly, Jim scrambled to his knees and pressed a quick kiss to Bones' lips.  
  
"Of course I want to meet her. I'd love to. I just never thought you'd want that. You don't have enough time with her as it is."  
  
"I want the two of you to meet. And I want her to know the truth. I don't see her often enough for keeping secrets. I don't want to have to hide how I feel from her."  
  
Had anybody else said something like this to him, Jim would have been running to the farthest end of the galaxy at warp speed by now. But again – this was Bones. With Bones, it still startled him how much the other man wanted to include him in his life. It even scared him a little. But it also felt like a display of trust, something Jim didn't want to disappoint. Even more, something Jim found he wanted to try and give his best for.  
  
"It's not like I got anything planned for shore leave, anyway."  
  
A smirk showed on Bones' face. "You'd be sitting in that damn chair of yours the entire time we're in space dock if nobody drags you out of this tin can."  
  
"I'll have you know that the chair has been built for comfort, and that there's nothing wrong with actually enjoying your job."  
  
Bones rolled his eyes, running a finger down Jim's ribs as Jim settled his head beside him on the pillow. He leaned in for another kiss, and Jim couldn't help but press closer somewhat greedily. When they broke apart, Bones cupped Jim's cheek again.  
  
"No, but there's something wrong with skipping meals on a regular basis. So we'll be going to the mess for dinner later, and don't even think about arguing with me."  
  
Jim felt a smile creep onto his face.  
  
"I don't know if that's such a good idea."  
  
Bones' eyebrows started one of their complicated dances again. "Why's that?"  
  
"I'm not too sure I can keep my hands off you. I'm fairly sure I can't stop kissing you." As if to prove his point, Jim pressed his lips against Bones' again, tongue darting out to lick teasingly at the full lower lip. "And I'm absolutely sure we both look like we just had mind-blowing sex, which everyone who sees us is going to notice."  
  
Much to Jim's surprise, Bones only shrugged. "So let them notice. As clever as this crew allegedly is, someone's bound to find out sooner or later. Might as well get it over and done with before Scotty sets up a betting pool."  
  
Bones was serious about this. Jim didn't know how or why, but Bones was really serious about this.  
  
And it was really true that he couldn't stop himself from kissing Bones. Once more his lips found their way onto Bones' as he kissed him with total abandon. Bones was pliant under him as Jim shifted atop, hands buried in Bones' tousled dark hair as Bones shifted beneath him, hands coming up against Jim's sides to sneak around Jim's back.  
  
Because really, the entire crew could know about him and Bones for all that he cared. He didn't want to hide a thing.  
  
"We're going to need a shower first, though," Jim said as he withdrew and pressed his face against Bones' neck. And his sheets definitely needed changing before anybody was going to sleep in this bed. But that could wait a little longer. Jim didn't want to get up again, not just yet. And judged by the way Bones was pulling him closer, shifting beneath him until they both were comfortable, neither did he. With a content sigh, Jim nuzzled his face against Bones' neck and closed his eyes, content under the soothing movement of Bones' hand against his back.  
  
"You know," Bones said, his voice a deep rumble in Jim's ear and against his skin, "if you organized any farewell parties, now might be a good time to cancel them."  
  
Despite himself, Jim chuckled, something he would have thought impossible just a few hours ago.  
  
"No, nothing of the sort."  
  
"Good. Because if just a single crewmember wishes me all the best for my future, or if the hobgoblin delivers some sort of speech I'm obliged to listen to, there will be hyposprays in your future. Many, _many_ hyposprays."  
  
Jim laughed. "You can poke me as much as you want, as long as you kiss it better. But there's no party. I wasn't exactly in the mood to celebrate the fact that you were going away."  
  
Strong arms tightened around his back. "I'm not going anywhere, Jim. I'm right where I want to be."

And really, there was nothing else to add to that. Jim was right where he wanted to be, too. He was with Bones, and that meant he was home.

 

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

_Maybe it's intuition_

_But some things you just don't question_

_Like in your eyes_

_I see my future in an instant_

_And there it goes_

_I think I've found my best friend_

_I know that it might sound more than a little crazy_

_But I believe_

_  
_

_I knew I loved you before I met you_

_I think I dreamed you into life_

_I knew I loved you before I met you_

_I have been waiting all my life_

_  
There's just no rhyme or reason_

_Only this sense of completion_

_And in your eyes_

_I see the missing pieces_

_I'm searching for._

_I think I've found my way home_

**OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOo**

****  
__**  
THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Lyrics used (in order of appearance:
> 
> REO Speedwagon: "I can't fight this feeling anymore"  
> Meat Loaf: "Did I say that?"  
> Backstreet Boys: "Incomplete"  
> Savage Garden: "I knew I loved you"
> 
>  
> 
> Original prompt: K/B happy ending, Jim bottoms. I'm a sucker for insecure, madly in love Jim stories, so anything that has him all frantic and angsty is terrific, but giving it another go, it's early in their sexual relationship and Bones gets a message from the ex saying she wants to get back together which means he can have Joanna back as well. How can Jim compete with that?


End file.
